Laughter

Some people say to eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away.

I say don’t go to the doctor to keep them away.

It cannot be argued that the best medicine is laughter though. Being able to laugh, at yourself especially, is something everyone should be able to do in just about all situations. I have the huge advantage of looking terribly funny, so I have just grown up with it. The one weird thing about laughter is how varied people’s laughs can be.

The Woody Woodpecker laugh has to be one of the most annoying. The annoyance level is quadrupled when that laugh sits next to you in a cube farm. It’s hard to get mad at someone that’s laughing, but this may be an exception.

The silent laugh. When people smile and open their mouth, but nothing comes out. These people are usually characterized by their large bodies and general lack of physical fitness. They are not healthy enough to get air through their lungs to put out a good laugh. They are usually out of breath going up 4 or more stairs and breath heavily after doing so.

The what the crap is that, a laugh?! It sounds more like a convulsion and you fear for the person laughing that they might die.

The gasping for air laugh. It sounds like the person is wheezing and their face gets all red, quite uncomfortable for those around.

The fake laugh laughter. These people make it hard to distinguish between an actual laugh, a fake laugh, and a courtesy laugh. It is a terrible thing when a belly laugh cannot be distinguished between a fake laugh. Similar to Nien Nunb from Star Wars episode VI.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js6rbXw_tfA&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1

Wait…I meant this link…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3QVEyyBPKk&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1

The loud laugher. This guy thinks all things require a laugh that can be heard across town. These people are usually idiots that don’t understand normal social behavior and need to shut their pie holes.

Belly laughter is the greatest of all. You know what belly laughter is when you are out of control, you start to tear up and a little pee comes out. Like the first time you saw Tom & Jerry right before bed and you were really tired or heard that the Mavericks just won the NBA Finals!? Wait, the NBA is still going on!?

Excuses

In honor of a co-worker missing another day of work with another stupid excuse I decided to write my own excuses that I will be using in the future. This was a fun one!

My neighbor’s cat got attacked by a raccoon and needs surgery. I need to take their trash out today, so I will not make it in today.

I was smoking a stogie on the toilet and had a large amount of my gas ignite. I was thrown across the bathroom and hit my head on the sink faucet. I will not be in today.

I was toasting my bread and stuck my hand in to get a stuck piece of bread out with my wet hand. I received an electric shock that threw my back out. I will not be in today.

I was working in my garage last night with a table saw. The piece of wood I was sawing flung back and smacked me in the face breaking my nose. I ran inside for medical treatment and tripped on the threshold due to lack of vision. I am getting my eyes checked today. I will not be in today.

I was hanging a portrait while standing on my toilet, slipped, hit my head on the toilet and had a vision. I quickly realized that I discovered how to make time travel possible. I will be working on modifying my Dodge Stratus. I will not be in today.

A guy down the street got a hang nail last night. I threw out my back trying to help him. I will not be in today.

I got really drunk last night and ended up getting shot in the calf during a drive by. The wound has been cleaned but I have trouble walking. Performing my normal duties at work of sitting and looking at a computer was advised against by my doctor (I have a doctor’s note if you need it). I will not be in today.

I ate at Seafood last night and have gotten a terrible case of food poisoning. I was throwing up all last evening and as a result my stomach got sore. I attempted to stretch it out by doing some yoga but got stuck in downward dog. I am typing this with a pencil in my mouth. I will not be in today.

I got beat up because my neighbors caught me picking through their trash. I will not be in today.

I got an electric shock from an energized train that I won on E-bay. The train is an all metal locomotive built in the 1930’s, so being pre-WWII it’s very rare. The paint is all original lead based paint, I know that from the taste. So the shock threw me back, I tripped on my dog, I hit my face on a 1940’s model aircraft and had to get stitches. I will not be in today.

During the middle of the night last night my wife filled up the remaining 28 ft² of our house with boxes she found at Goodwill. On my way out to work today, I got lost and can’t even find the computer to write this to you. I will not be in today.

I am in a coma. I will not be in today.

Hide and Seek

One of my kids favorite games to play is hide and seek. Most of the time I only get about 8 seconds to hide. Our house doesn’t have a lot of closets and I have found that I don’t quite fit in the same spaces I used to fit when I was 10. I guess I have gained some weight since then too?

Some of the best places I have found to hide are:

The rim of the bathtub, behind the shower curtain. The kids can’t see your feet and forget to look at the ceiling to look for your head.

Under a bed. It’s funny to see their feet scamper about trying to find you and you can see them.

On top of a shelf. Hard to get there quietly, but worth it to see them only look at eye level. I have never actually done it.

In the dryer. Funny because its next to impossible for the kids to find you in here, although not so funny when wife accidentally starts it when you fall asleep.

In the corner with a lampshade on your head. Works better in cartoons and movies, I guess I’m too fat to be doing that impersonation anymore.

In the closet behind clothes. Another good spot, but hard for long periods of time. I woke up with a sore neck after a 1.5 hour long ordeal.

Still one of the best games to play with your kids when they are young. Other good games include: tag (because you’re still fast no matter how old you are if the kids are under the age of 5), basketball (most of the time you’ll be taller unless your kid is a maple tree), and go fish (kids don’t know how to hide their cards and it’s easy to sneak a peek at them).

Morning

Whatever happened to saying “Good Morning” to one another? Are we all that lazy, myself included, that we just say “Morning” now? What kind of moron would think it’s any other time of day at 6:30am? I can answer from experience that it is in fact laziness, saying one word is way easier that saying the extra “Good” word. Plus, why should I assume someone else views it as a good morning, it could be the worst morning the other person has ever had! I guess “Morning” is just another politically correct way of greeting one another in the morning, although politically correct terms usually lengthen, not shorten the original phrase.

The other thing that has me going this morning is when I pass by someone and they ask, “How you doing?” and keep on walking. Other things that are said that mean the same thing: “How’s it going?”, “What’s up?”, and my favorite “Get lost assdart.” However it’s communicated, the question is never given the time for a proper response.

Here’s a scenario that takes place in any office when two people pass by in the hallway:

Bob: Morning. (nodding and raising his coffee cup.)

John: How ya doing?

Bob: Well, this past weekend I burned all the hair on my ass by….John, where did you go?

[John keeps walking not giving a rat’s fart about the question just made.]

Here’s how the above scenario should have taken place:

Bob: Good morning.

John: How ya doing?

[Both stop in the hallway.]

Bob: Well I had to stay up most of the night to clean up dog poop. The dog forgot where he was again and decided to drop a couple deuces on the bed in the middle of the night. That old codger need to be put down. I’m tired today and most likely will just stare at my computer screen most of the day trying to make it look like I’m being productive.

John: Bob, since you are kind of new here I’ll let you in on a little secret, that’s what pretty much everyone does around here every day.

[Both laugh and move on.]

A valuable lesson was learned when people took the time to listen when a question was asked: most people don’t do anything when they are at work and they are usually pretty bad at hiding that fact too. Some people just don’t care if they hide it or not too.

If I Won The Lottery

I'll be the first to admit, at my young age my retirement accounts don't look too promising. I get that there is still a lot of time before, strike that, IF I ever retire. The best plan right now is to buy lottery tickets and hope for the best. Don't get me wrong, I don't need to win $148 million, just a couple million would do.

First thing I would do, set aside most of it for my family so they are set for their lives.

Second, buy a junk car with huge steel beams as bumpers. I would get the car decked out with safety cages and roll bars and what not. My first target would be to back out of our driveway and run into the neighbor's mailbox who are always backing into ours and denying it. Then I would proceed to find annoying drivers and stop extremely quickly in front of them, watching them wreck their cars.

Another thing I would like to do, pay someone to do all of my laundry, including folding it and putting it away. Most likely the least favorite thing in the house to do, next to cleaning up kid puke.

Obviously I would build a dream house, it would consist of grass carpets, like the grass from golf greens. I would make sure it had a fountain pop machine and a stream running through it. That way I could play Legos and GI Joes with my boy. Another thing the house would have is a hockey rink in the basement, gotta have basement hockey.

I'm just making fun of myself with these, I would like to think I would give most of the money away after I get fired from work for pooping on co-workers chairs and or desks.