Excuses

In honor of a co-worker missing another day of work with another stupid excuse I decided to write my own excuses that I will be using in the future. This was a fun one!

My neighbor’s cat got attacked by a raccoon and needs surgery. I need to take their trash out today, so I will not make it in today.

I was smoking a stogie on the toilet and had a large amount of my gas ignite. I was thrown across the bathroom and hit my head on the sink faucet. I will not be in today.

I was toasting my bread and stuck my hand in to get a stuck piece of bread out with my wet hand. I received an electric shock that threw my back out. I will not be in today.

I was working in my garage last night with a table saw. The piece of wood I was sawing flung back and smacked me in the face breaking my nose. I ran inside for medical treatment and tripped on the threshold due to lack of vision. I am getting my eyes checked today. I will not be in today.

I was hanging a portrait while standing on my toilet, slipped, hit my head on the toilet and had a vision. I quickly realized that I discovered how to make time travel possible. I will be working on modifying my Dodge Stratus. I will not be in today.

A guy down the street got a hang nail last night. I threw out my back trying to help him. I will not be in today.

I got really drunk last night and ended up getting shot in the calf during a drive by. The wound has been cleaned but I have trouble walking. Performing my normal duties at work of sitting and looking at a computer was advised against by my doctor (I have a doctor’s note if you need it). I will not be in today.

I ate at Seafood last night and have gotten a terrible case of food poisoning. I was throwing up all last evening and as a result my stomach got sore. I attempted to stretch it out by doing some yoga but got stuck in downward dog. I am typing this with a pencil in my mouth. I will not be in today.

I got beat up because my neighbors caught me picking through their trash. I will not be in today.

I got an electric shock from an energized train that I won on E-bay. The train is an all metal locomotive built in the 1930’s, so being pre-WWII it’s very rare. The paint is all original lead based paint, I know that from the taste. So the shock threw me back, I tripped on my dog, I hit my face on a 1940’s model aircraft and had to get stitches. I will not be in today.

During the middle of the night last night my wife filled up the remaining 28 ft² of our house with boxes she found at Goodwill. On my way out to work today, I got lost and can’t even find the computer to write this to you. I will not be in today.

I am in a coma. I will not be in today.