Looking through articles on a web site today during lunch, I came across one entitled “Gross Couple Habits to Avoid, Starting Now.” The article went on to describe 4 things that should not be done in front of your wife/husband, but I think the things not to do were pretty much aimed at the men. The article was written by “The Nest Editors,” obviously all women who don’t know what it’s like to be a man.
To be a man now days, you can’t burp, fart, drop a deuce with the door open or pop your zits in front of your wife. These are the four things stated by TNE (The Nest Editors) that should not be done unless you want to lose your wife. I’m going to explore these things in more depth, so if you want to bail out of this article now like Obama bailing out the nation, you’ll keep reading because your bailing out effort will fail miserably.
To not burp and be a man at the same time is impossible. There is something in the male chromosome that makes our conscience not recognize this act. It’s like breathing. The true test comes when a man is in a coma, he still burps. This is a scientific fact that this happens and also leads me into the next topic.
Farting, also a bodily function that happens when men are in a coma. How are we supposed to suppress a bodily function that happens when we’re not even awake? Like when we fart in our sleep, it just happens. Plus, they’re just funny, we’re just trying to provide this great world we live in with more humor.
Speaking of humor, dropping a deuce with the door open is just plain funny. Fact, this act made Grumpy of the Seven Dwarves laugh when Dumpy did it. Another attempt at humor, plus if you have kids, there is no privacy anyway, so throw that one out the window when your kids start crawling. After that, it’s just habit to do it and feels weird to have the door shut.
The popping of the zits I can see as not doing in front of the wife. I have to admit though that sometimes I ask my lovely wife to pop mine. Sometimes they are in really random places that I can’t reach to pop, i.e. my back, and they just need to be let go. This is where I bring in my better half to help me out; of course I make sure she wears a full face shield for this process.
So all of this brings me to my main point; political correctness. Are times that bad that in front of our one true love, we have to walk on egg shells like this? Some of you may think that it’s politeness issue, but you’re dead wrong. The one person in your life that you should not have to be polite to all the time is your wife. I say this because if you are polite all the time, and in turn they are polite all the time, is it really a marriage? Marriage is a working relationship and if you’re not willing to work, let the other know what you’re thinking and get in arguments once in awhile – then go marry a robot. It wouldn’t be fun and there would be no humor.
That’s what political correctness is, boring and humorless. Humans are by nature fun and full of laughter and joy.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I got worms...
So when I was growing up, we watched a lot of movies. The good movies we watched several times just so we could pick up all the good lines in them. For example, I saw Dumb & Dumber in the movie theater 6 times. You may be saying, who sees a movie 6 times in the theater?! Well, here's the two part answer. First, that just shows I have great taste in movies because it's a classic and secondly where I grew up there wasn't a whole lot else to do.
Anyway, back to the point I'm trying to get across here. Conversations between myself and my friends usually consists of at least 1 movie quote, in context, for every 6 sentences spoken. Wait, let me specify here, conversations between myself and my MALE friends usually consists of at least 1 movie quote, in context, for every 6 sentences spoken. When girls try and follow these conversations, they get lost very quickly.
What is it about guys that we just understand each other when we quote movie lines? Girls require explanations for what the movie was, the situation it was said in and who said it. This is a total buzzkill, it kills the conversation and all fluidity is gone.
So to the female readers (or guys that cannot follow conversations with movie quotes in them), don't ask questions about where that line was from if a conversation is going on that you may be dropping in on or a part of. Just smile and make it look/sound like you are following the conversation. Kind of like how we (males) smile and nod our heads like we're paying attention to you when you're telling a story about you and your friends and all the feelings involved.
So there's my two cents. Wolf out!!
Anyway, back to the point I'm trying to get across here. Conversations between myself and my friends usually consists of at least 1 movie quote, in context, for every 6 sentences spoken. Wait, let me specify here, conversations between myself and my MALE friends usually consists of at least 1 movie quote, in context, for every 6 sentences spoken. When girls try and follow these conversations, they get lost very quickly.
What is it about guys that we just understand each other when we quote movie lines? Girls require explanations for what the movie was, the situation it was said in and who said it. This is a total buzzkill, it kills the conversation and all fluidity is gone.
So to the female readers (or guys that cannot follow conversations with movie quotes in them), don't ask questions about where that line was from if a conversation is going on that you may be dropping in on or a part of. Just smile and make it look/sound like you are following the conversation. Kind of like how we (males) smile and nod our heads like we're paying attention to you when you're telling a story about you and your friends and all the feelings involved.
So there's my two cents. Wolf out!!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Finally!
I got to witness a great thing today while driving around and doing errands. The one thing all of us want to see before we die! Yes, of course this site was someone being stupid on their crotch-rocket motorcycle and licking the pavement.
Most of the people on these motorcycles are just plain stupid and think their crap don't stink. They fly around in traffic extremely recklessly and irresponsible. So finally I got to watch a show boating moron eat it. I laughed for quite awhile when I saw it, but pulled up next to him to ask if he was okay.
His response was just what I thought it was going to be. "Yeah, Yeah. I'm fine man." Although everyone could tell he was clearly shaken and just didn't want to admit it because again, he's a moron.
I think anyone that owns one of these motorcycles should have to take some kind of mandatory class where they are brain washed into driving these high powered machines like they should be.
Anyway, seeing this guy eat asphalt then get up with his pants and jacket all scraped up and his bike a little beat up was fun. I get to cross off one more thing on my list of "Things I want to see before I die." Hopefully next on the list is seeing a football player not celebrate when they make some hoe hum play. I doubt that will ever happen.
Most of the people on these motorcycles are just plain stupid and think their crap don't stink. They fly around in traffic extremely recklessly and irresponsible. So finally I got to watch a show boating moron eat it. I laughed for quite awhile when I saw it, but pulled up next to him to ask if he was okay.
His response was just what I thought it was going to be. "Yeah, Yeah. I'm fine man." Although everyone could tell he was clearly shaken and just didn't want to admit it because again, he's a moron.
I think anyone that owns one of these motorcycles should have to take some kind of mandatory class where they are brain washed into driving these high powered machines like they should be.
Anyway, seeing this guy eat asphalt then get up with his pants and jacket all scraped up and his bike a little beat up was fun. I get to cross off one more thing on my list of "Things I want to see before I die." Hopefully next on the list is seeing a football player not celebrate when they make some hoe hum play. I doubt that will ever happen.
Friday, February 13, 2009
I fart in your general direction!!
So what is it about farts that are so funny? It's a completely normal body function but it makes me laugh. Call me immature, but flatulence is just good old fun. My wife would not agree with me on this topic as she has to live the deadly odor that somehow comes out of my body.
Her: What stinks, did you fart!
Me: No. (Said with a smirk)
Her: Yes you did, it smells like a turd wrapped in burnt hair!
Me: Man, that's a harsh analogy.
(Then I catch a whiff as they never seem to reach the nostrils of those who deal it until after others are already gagging)
Me: Wow, it smells like rotten eggs mixed with poo.
We seem to have these kind of conversations at least on a daily basis. Anyway, what made me think to write this blog is because of a visit to the men's bathroom at location X.
Now for women's sake, I need to give a little background information, men hang with me. So a men's bathroom usually has a urinal right next to a toilet stall. Now, when men pee, we fart too. I'm sure there's some kind of scientific reason this happens, like because we're male, but I don't know for sure what it is. Also, on average, men fart about 26 times as much as our female counter parts.
Okay, back to the experience. So I was sitting on the throne, minding my own business in the stall right next to the urinal. Someone comes into bathroom and I can see the shoes and recognize them. As said patron proceeded to do his business the farts came. Now, when you hear them, it's just funny. A string of air biscuits came flying out wildly. Women might be able to compare this to attending a Yoga class where the attendants get a little too relaxed. It's just funny to hear other people tear ass and not have to smell it. If you do live with it, passing gas is no laughing matter. (If you do, please visit http://www.dontpassgas.org/downloads/DPG_Brochure.pdf)
Now, I offer up the chance for some good comments from readers. I wanted to get a list of other terms used for flatulence. I offer these up to get the brain going and see what other ones you come up with.
-Let one fly
-Crop dusting
-Back Draft
-Barking Spiders
.....
Her: What stinks, did you fart!
Me: No. (Said with a smirk)
Her: Yes you did, it smells like a turd wrapped in burnt hair!
Me: Man, that's a harsh analogy.
(Then I catch a whiff as they never seem to reach the nostrils of those who deal it until after others are already gagging)
Me: Wow, it smells like rotten eggs mixed with poo.
We seem to have these kind of conversations at least on a daily basis. Anyway, what made me think to write this blog is because of a visit to the men's bathroom at location X.
Now for women's sake, I need to give a little background information, men hang with me. So a men's bathroom usually has a urinal right next to a toilet stall. Now, when men pee, we fart too. I'm sure there's some kind of scientific reason this happens, like because we're male, but I don't know for sure what it is. Also, on average, men fart about 26 times as much as our female counter parts.
Okay, back to the experience. So I was sitting on the throne, minding my own business in the stall right next to the urinal. Someone comes into bathroom and I can see the shoes and recognize them. As said patron proceeded to do his business the farts came. Now, when you hear them, it's just funny. A string of air biscuits came flying out wildly. Women might be able to compare this to attending a Yoga class where the attendants get a little too relaxed. It's just funny to hear other people tear ass and not have to smell it. If you do live with it, passing gas is no laughing matter. (If you do, please visit http://www.dontpassgas.org/downloads/DPG_Brochure.pdf)
Now, I offer up the chance for some good comments from readers. I wanted to get a list of other terms used for flatulence. I offer these up to get the brain going and see what other ones you come up with.
-Let one fly
-Crop dusting
-Back Draft
-Barking Spiders
.....
Singing Along...
I don't know about you guys, but I love to listen to music. All kinds, doesn't matter what it is, there's great stuff out there for all kinds of tastes. Rap doesn't count, they just steal their beats from real artists and semi-rhyme. Rap crap is just dumb.
So anyway, back to what I wanted to get to. People like music, but these same people don't understand why people would pay in excess of $80 for a concert ticket to see their favorite bands perform the songs they love. Why pay that much when I can stay at home and listen to the songs I love on my stereo and not have to pay a ton to be elbow to elbow with crazy fans lighting up as soon as the lights go dim when they come on stage?
I'll tell you why. When you get to sing along with your favorite songs while the singers sing, it's the greatest feeling ever. While you're screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs, which is why concerts are so loud - so people can't actually hear each other because that would just be awful, you get goose bumps thinking about all the memories you have tied to that song and now you're singing it along with the band that wrote it.
Some bands are great when you listen to them on the CD (or mp3 for now a days), but they are just terrible performers or sounds atrocious live. These bands are crap, stop listening to them. The ones that can put out a good album but are great live, these are the bands that hang around and are successful.
Now I don't know where the tradition started with the lighters and now cell phones coming out during the good songs, but this is just stupid. I haven't been to a concert to awhile, see previous blogs about having kids, so I don't know if this is still being done. If this does happen when you go to a show, punch anyone that does this in the neck that may be in your immediate vicinity. Hopefully this will get rid of this problem and make this country great again!
Eeeehhhhh, Iiii'mm, I'm still alive! Keep on rockin in the free world! Insert your favorite lyrics here!
So anyway, back to what I wanted to get to. People like music, but these same people don't understand why people would pay in excess of $80 for a concert ticket to see their favorite bands perform the songs they love. Why pay that much when I can stay at home and listen to the songs I love on my stereo and not have to pay a ton to be elbow to elbow with crazy fans lighting up as soon as the lights go dim when they come on stage?
I'll tell you why. When you get to sing along with your favorite songs while the singers sing, it's the greatest feeling ever. While you're screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs, which is why concerts are so loud - so people can't actually hear each other because that would just be awful, you get goose bumps thinking about all the memories you have tied to that song and now you're singing it along with the band that wrote it.
Some bands are great when you listen to them on the CD (or mp3 for now a days), but they are just terrible performers or sounds atrocious live. These bands are crap, stop listening to them. The ones that can put out a good album but are great live, these are the bands that hang around and are successful.
Now I don't know where the tradition started with the lighters and now cell phones coming out during the good songs, but this is just stupid. I haven't been to a concert to awhile, see previous blogs about having kids, so I don't know if this is still being done. If this does happen when you go to a show, punch anyone that does this in the neck that may be in your immediate vicinity. Hopefully this will get rid of this problem and make this country great again!
Eeeehhhhh, Iiii'mm, I'm still alive! Keep on rockin in the free world! Insert your favorite lyrics here!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
You did what!?
Now, for those of you that know me, the title of this blog says it all. For those of you that do not know me, I am quite lazy when it comes to my personal appearance in the work place.
Now, since I have moved out to Virginia, I have had all of my work shirts on hangers, where they should be. On the way out here, the work shirts had a first class ride in the back seat and trunk of the car being towed out here. As took them out of the car and put them up in the closet, I noticed some were a little "pressed" in places they shouldn't be. Normally, I just wear them as is and don't really care. Since this is my first week of work, I chose a different route.
Normal train of thought when seeing a shirt that may be slightly wrinkled (slightly = looks like a 103 year old woman's face). "Hmmm, maybe I should put that in the dryer with a wet dish cloth? Or, maybe I should spray it with that anti-wrinkle stuff Megan got for me. Hmmm, Megan....maybe she could iron it for me! Eh, forget it, it's too early. Wait, I think that's my sock!"
So by morning time, it's too late to try and do anything about it. Plus, working in the engineering world, no one really cares.
So that brings us to today's activity. I ironed a shirt for tomorrow. I'll say it again for those of you that don't think they read it correctly. I ironed a shirt for tomorrow. Yes, I ironed a shirt and it is not planned to be worn until more than 12 hours later!
Here was my inner dialouge during this process, "I need a shirt for tomorrow and I think I should iron my nice green one. This will impress them, man I'm glad I have a job now. Hey, this ironing isn't too hard, good thing I just have to iron the part where the buttons button. I wonder if I should set the iron to something a little lower? Does the heat setting need to be set for something like cotton? What is this shirt made out of? Wait a minute, wasn't this shirt green? Why is it brown now?"
So now I'm all ready for work tomorrow in my fresh pressed brown shirt! I win!
Now, since I have moved out to Virginia, I have had all of my work shirts on hangers, where they should be. On the way out here, the work shirts had a first class ride in the back seat and trunk of the car being towed out here. As took them out of the car and put them up in the closet, I noticed some were a little "pressed" in places they shouldn't be. Normally, I just wear them as is and don't really care. Since this is my first week of work, I chose a different route.
Normal train of thought when seeing a shirt that may be slightly wrinkled (slightly = looks like a 103 year old woman's face). "Hmmm, maybe I should put that in the dryer with a wet dish cloth? Or, maybe I should spray it with that anti-wrinkle stuff Megan got for me. Hmmm, Megan....maybe she could iron it for me! Eh, forget it, it's too early. Wait, I think that's my sock!"
So by morning time, it's too late to try and do anything about it. Plus, working in the engineering world, no one really cares.
So that brings us to today's activity. I ironed a shirt for tomorrow. I'll say it again for those of you that don't think they read it correctly. I ironed a shirt for tomorrow. Yes, I ironed a shirt and it is not planned to be worn until more than 12 hours later!
Here was my inner dialouge during this process, "I need a shirt for tomorrow and I think I should iron my nice green one. This will impress them, man I'm glad I have a job now. Hey, this ironing isn't too hard, good thing I just have to iron the part where the buttons button. I wonder if I should set the iron to something a little lower? Does the heat setting need to be set for something like cotton? What is this shirt made out of? Wait a minute, wasn't this shirt green? Why is it brown now?"
So now I'm all ready for work tomorrow in my fresh pressed brown shirt! I win!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Fortunately/Unfortunately
- Fortunately I was offered a job (job offer 1) in Raleigh, NC. They just said they had to dot the I's and cross the T's.
- Unfortunately, the job offer was taken out from under our feet.
- Fortunately I had another job offer (job offer 2).
- Unfortunately, 24 hours before receiving the news that job offer 1 was taken back from me, I had called to decline job offer 2.
- Fortunately, they were willing to put the job offer back on the table which I quickly took and appreciated.
- Unfortunately, the job 2 is in Virginia and we now have 1.5 weeks to pack and get the house ready for showing, with kids is next to impossible.
- Fortunately, my wife and I are very efficient.
- Unfortunately, it's hard to be efficient when the family passes around a stomach virus.
- Fortunately, my wife's parents came out to help with the cleaning/packing and moving.
- Unfortunately, the stomach virus got passed to them.
- Fortunately, I went on Craigslist to ask for some help and got some and met a great guy that helped a ton.
- Unfortunately, I thought about this idea too late and it was the final day, I should have asked/paid for help much earlier in the process.
- Fortunately, before Megan left for the airport to go back to Iowa, we got everything packed in the moving truck.
- Unfortunately, this included my wallet.
- Fortunately, the I happened to have my Passport with me and got a replacement at the DMV.
- Unfortunately, I had to go to the DMV. That wasted another day.
- Fortunately, I got driving in my 26' truck hauling my car behind me on a trailer. I did not drive in reverse for 600 miles.
- Unfortunately, the trailer wheel fell off in St. Louis and I had to waste more time waiting for a new trailer.
- Fortunately, the trailer came and I made it to Virginia without any more of a hitch.
- Unfortunately, when I made it to Virginia, I had to drive in reverse to park the trailer.
- Fortunately, I didn't have to drive in reverse for more than 20 feet. The rest I just used muscle to move it.
- Unfortunately, the trailer weighed somewhere in the neighborhood of 3000 pounds. (It was a lot, if this isn't the exact weight).
- Fortunately, I got to drive the car the rest of the night.
- Unfortunately, I had to drive the 26 foot truck to the storage unit. On the way I went on to a side street and saw a boy playing basketball. As I looked at him I realized he was shooting hoops on a board across the street. The hoop is at 10 feet, the truck I was driving required a 12'-1" clearance. Needless to say the hoop was knocked over and the boy just looked at me with a confused look as I drove away.
- Fortunately, I found my wallet while unpacking. I parked the truck and if I never drive it again it will be too soon.
Work started Monday and I'm finally off and running!
The End
- Unfortunately, the job offer was taken out from under our feet.
- Fortunately I had another job offer (job offer 2).
- Unfortunately, 24 hours before receiving the news that job offer 1 was taken back from me, I had called to decline job offer 2.
- Fortunately, they were willing to put the job offer back on the table which I quickly took and appreciated.
- Unfortunately, the job 2 is in Virginia and we now have 1.5 weeks to pack and get the house ready for showing, with kids is next to impossible.
- Fortunately, my wife and I are very efficient.
- Unfortunately, it's hard to be efficient when the family passes around a stomach virus.
- Fortunately, my wife's parents came out to help with the cleaning/packing and moving.
- Unfortunately, the stomach virus got passed to them.
- Fortunately, I went on Craigslist to ask for some help and got some and met a great guy that helped a ton.
- Unfortunately, I thought about this idea too late and it was the final day, I should have asked/paid for help much earlier in the process.
- Fortunately, before Megan left for the airport to go back to Iowa, we got everything packed in the moving truck.
- Unfortunately, this included my wallet.
- Fortunately, the I happened to have my Passport with me and got a replacement at the DMV.
- Unfortunately, I had to go to the DMV. That wasted another day.
- Fortunately, I got driving in my 26' truck hauling my car behind me on a trailer. I did not drive in reverse for 600 miles.
- Unfortunately, the trailer wheel fell off in St. Louis and I had to waste more time waiting for a new trailer.
- Fortunately, the trailer came and I made it to Virginia without any more of a hitch.
- Unfortunately, when I made it to Virginia, I had to drive in reverse to park the trailer.
- Fortunately, I didn't have to drive in reverse for more than 20 feet. The rest I just used muscle to move it.
- Unfortunately, the trailer weighed somewhere in the neighborhood of 3000 pounds. (It was a lot, if this isn't the exact weight).
- Fortunately, I got to drive the car the rest of the night.
- Unfortunately, I had to drive the 26 foot truck to the storage unit. On the way I went on to a side street and saw a boy playing basketball. As I looked at him I realized he was shooting hoops on a board across the street. The hoop is at 10 feet, the truck I was driving required a 12'-1" clearance. Needless to say the hoop was knocked over and the boy just looked at me with a confused look as I drove away.
- Fortunately, I found my wallet while unpacking. I parked the truck and if I never drive it again it will be too soon.
Work started Monday and I'm finally off and running!
The End
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