Da Lions!

I want to go on the record and say that I think they will somehow win the last game of the year and screw up the one good thing they had going for them by getting the #1 draft pick. As a Lions fan growing up, you quickly learn one thing, they screw up everything!

I feel so sorry for Barry Sanders because he was the best running back by far to ever play the game. He amassed all kinds of records and yards by himself. If you ever want to see what it's like to be 1 vs. 11, go to YouTube and type in Barry Sanders to see some of his highlights. One thing you will notice during these highlights is the lack of blocking from any teammates. The other teams knew they were going to give the ball to him, what else were they going to do!? Let Uncle Rico toss the pig skin a quarter mile down the field?

Besides that one good player in Lions history, they have failed with all others. Andre Ware, Heisman winner, lasted about 14 minutes in D-town. Scotty Mitchell? Erik Kramer? These are quarter backs, among many, that started for the Lions and failed miserably at trying to take them to greatness.

Da Lions desperately need to lose this last game of the season to run the table and finish as the worst team in sports history, fitting for the worst organization in sports history. That way they can guarentee themselves the #1 pick and trade down and try to amass many picks in this next years draft. With 12 picks in the new draft, because the stupid Cowboys took Roy Williams off our hands for a ton of picks, they should just be able to at least draft themselves a new team.

Merry Christmas, Lions you better bring a Happy New Year and lose this last game!

Fantasy Sports

So if you've never done fantasy sports, you will not understand this post. Don't even try to because I used to think the same thing, "Fantasy Sports, that's stupid."

Too bad I was way wrong, they are great! One of the best things about it is that being a Lions fan, I actually have talented players to root for during the games. It's funny that I find myself watching the bottom line during the games and reading the stats. I figure out in my head how many points my player just got from that huge run/catch he had.

Hockey fantasy is fun too. There so many games and so many players you actually keep track of when games are on and who is playing who. Rather than being a fan of just one team, I become a fan of the whole sport! Football is still hard to be a fan of, but hockey is always great.

Fantasy sports make sense because there's so many of us ex-athletes that still want to be part of the sports we love. With managing out team, we get to yell at our players, bench them and even trade them and put them on the waiver wire if we want. Since we can't play anymore, why not manage these guys in a world that doesn't exist! They're also good for keeping your math skills up which is extremely important and they make you pay attention to the news (albeit ESPN Sportscenter, but that's the best news to me!)

Basketball Shorts or Pants?

Watching basketball, both NBA and College, is kind of painful these days. It used to be fun, but now with all the thugs the NBA is pretty much a waste of space. College is still fun to watch, but what is with the shorts!?

Don't get me wrong, I don't like the John Stockton shorts, but they may as well be playing in pants now! I'm not a fashion expert or anything, but it seems like it would be advantageous to play in shorts that the actual short ends at the knees. Instead it seems like the inseam ends at the knees. Dribbling through the legs would be much easier, although it's second nature to most of these guys anyway, but being an engineer (albeit out of work) they don't seem efficient.

I remember when this fad started with the famous Fab 5 at the UofM (see Chris Webber's infamous timeout call). The only legacy these goons left behind was to wear Hammer pants while playing. I did see a highlight of Howard dunking and then parachuting back to the floor one time. That may have been a dramatization, but I still believe it happened.

When sports seem to be trimming down on pads and making uniforms a little more classy, see hockey's recent Reebok uniforms, basketball "Hammer Shorts" seem to be getting longer and longer. Pretty soon we're going to be seeing the players yelling, "Uh oh, Uh oh, Uh oh....stop! I'm lost in these stupid things!"

Soccer seems to be doing the best at keeping the legs free to move, although this is one of the only sports where it seems like the athletes truly know how to use their legs. Seeing morons walking around in these awful things on the street I just want to ask, can't we negotiate a happy medium between John Stockton and the Memphis Tigers?!

Who shoots themselves in the leg, honestly!?

I'll tell you who: Plaxico Burress (pronounced MO-RON for those of you that don't know).

That name will be synonymous with moron now. Why is it that these football players who make millions of dollars feel they have to pack heat when they go clubin'? Can't they hire bodyguards if they think they're crap don't stink? You'd think with all the money these guys make, they could just buy a club for themselves.

I think the New York Giants are completely right for getting rid of this cancer for a player. They have every right to tell him that he's worthless and to not even show his face around the stadium anymore. Who knows, he might try and go postal in the locker room! Although he'd end up shooting himself, so who cares.

It seems more and more often that football and basketball are both becoming sports where thugs run wild. Why in the world, as owners, don't more teams take on the motto's of successful teams like the New England Patriots and only bring in good characters rather than show boating athletes? Players know that when they play for the Patriots, they will have a chance to play as a TEAM, not as individuals, and win. When morons like this go out and take it upon themselves to shoot themselves (why in the world was he carrying a loaded pistol in the first place, really!?) they should be left high and dry by the team for their poor individual mistakes.

Secondly, Plaxico was supposedly hurt? What is he doing at a night club while he's injured? Don't these guys know that hard working ADULTS would give quite a bit to be playing a sport that they love to be paid a ton of money and not have to worry about much else other than performing during the games and being healthy?

Like I've said before, people are idiots and this just proves it once again.

Fountain Pop vs. Can Pop

So why is it that pop from the fountain machine at restaurants and gas stations tastes like sweet, bubbly heaven and the pop you buy in the grocery store tastes like "Eh, this will get me by until my next fountain pop."?

The answer has to lie within the deep understanding of the syrup/ice/water mixture. I think that if this were explained in some lab (that obviously didn't have that much to do) they would find the results would show the syrup percentage of pop is a little lower than pop bought at a store. Now this may be here say and conjecture, but I'm pretty sure it's fact.

Now for those of you that can't tell the difference or happen to like store bought pop better, you should just give up on life right now. I once heard an old wives tail that there is even a secret addictive chemical that they add to the fountain pop to make you sip steal some while you're pouring it yourself and makes you come back for more!

I have been known to drive to the nearest 711 or gas station or fast food place and just get a pop because it's so great. In fact hold on.....

Yeah, that's awesome stuff my friends! Go out and get yourselves one right now! (Coke is the best). By the way, if you are an advertiser from Coke, please send me a fountain pop machine for my house, it's my dream to have one in my kitchen! Or just send me a couple thousand dollars for the shameless plug, thanks!

Even the Odds

On the heels of the whooping the Lions took on Thanksgiving, I came up with a short list of rules for the other teams when they play the Lions:

- Make the offense play defense and their defense has to play offense
- Make 12 vs. 6 (in favor of the Lions of course)
- Make them have one arm and/or leg tied behind them
- Make them use Uncle Rico as their QB
- Give the Lions a fair head start and spot them 35 points
- Other team only gets 3 downs, mandatory 3rd down punk/kick
- Cannont practice week before game

Best stat I saw during the game on Thursday:

Detroit 1st downs: 3
Tennessee Touchdowns: 4

Thanksgiving Traditions

There are many traditions that I grew up with, most notably was the turkey (obviously), cornbake, family, grandma's spiced cider and of course football.

Thanksgiving day, or the day after was when all the guys would gather, no matter the age and play football. Be it with friends or family, there is always a game to be had. After high school, these games became progressively harder to play in as age increased. I remember some family games, the uncles and older cousins became the time clock, when they pulled a hammy that was when the game was called. Sometimes the games lasted 3 plays, it really depended on the physique of the older participants.

Growing up in Michigan there was another tradition, watching the Lions get their Thanksgiving dinner handed to them. They are the lovable losers of the NFL, except they are not lovable. Except when they had Barry Sanders, it is/was always fun predicting how bad they're going to lose.

They are the worst sports team in Michigan, some of the high school Junior Varsity teams could actually give them a good game I think. Most of the time, we only had to watch 2 quarters to give up on them or pass out from a food coma. Much like today, predicting at least which is not too far fetched, interest is going to be lost on their game today about 10 minutes in. The only reason I'll continue to watch is because there is nothing else good on and I'm not quite ready for all the Christmas movie re-runs yet.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hockey/Soccer vs. Other "Sports"

In my opinion, Hockey and Soccer are the apex of all team sports. No other sports can touch them when it comes to poetry in motion and physical talent.

First off, Hockey and Soccer are unique compared to the other big 3 (baseball, football and basketball). The game action does not stop unless there is a foul/icing/offsides or a TV timeout. Hockey has 1 timeout per GAME, and soccer has no timeouts.

Football has a stoppage in play after each whistle, the teams re-group are told what play to run by their coach because they cannot think for themselves. The dumbest part is that it may be 11 on 11, but the defense never plays offense and likewise. Plus there are special teams involved in this whole equation! Even during a 7 minute drive by one team, the clock is running while the teams gather in their huddles and figure out what they're going to do next. The only reason this sport is popular is because it is a weekend sport. If it were played on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and there was more than one game a week, people would have a much tougher time following this sport.

Basketball used to be a good sport. The only good form of it left is in the NCAA tourny in March/April. The professional level has become such a "Me First" sport I don't know how people watch it. The athletes don't know how to talk during interviews, they all have a minimum of 17 tatoos (the "real" playas have them on their necks!) and no one knows how to play defense. When someone gets touched on the arm, the game has to stop for a player to have some free shots while everyone else sits around and watches. If you want to watch a game, just watch the final 3 minutes, they last an hour anyway and that's all of the game you need to watch.

Baseball has to be the epitomy of American laziness. Like a comment said earlier it's the only sport that when you're on the offense - you don't have control of the ball! The pitchers are extremely fat, at least the good ones are. The batters are not in any better shape. How can you play 5 out of 7 days a week? The answer is play baseball, it's mostly standing around and doing nothing anyway. If the does happen to get hit to you, try your best to catch it (with the help of a glove!) and if you cannot, throw it to a base that everyone else on the field including your coaches are yelling at you to throw it to. This sport is just retarded and that's why it's America's past time. It just shows how lazy America is.

Soccer is the world's sport, if we go by a democratic vote, it's the best sport in the world! America could learn some lessons from the rest of the world, it's a simple sport that requires everyone on the team/field to be on the same page. It takes an extreme amount of coordination because you cannot use any part of your arms.

Hockey has to be the hardest of all sports. It's extremely exhausting and you can substitute while play is taking place. Most people find it hard just to ice skate, then throw in a puck and other people trying to take your head off and you have the greatest sport on earth. I'll be blogging about other great aspects of this game (fighting, hitting and trying to tip a puck) later on.

Stay tuned!

Jack Asses, Inc.

So I was thinking during my weekly shower today that no matter what company you work at, there's always some assdart that works there that no one likes. Hint, if you have never had this problem, you're the assdart. No one knows why these people still work there. They may have dirt on someone higher up, they may have just worked there for too long or they're the Milton type and actually are working for free because they're pay checks stopped coming but they didn't get the memo.

Whatever the case may be, I have a solution to this problem. Filter out each of these people and have them form their own company! As you can see to the title of this blog, the name could be Jack Asses, Inc. or could also be Bite Me, LLC. There's plenty of names, and we'll need each one for all of the industries where these people will be filtered to.

I have worked at companies where I don't know why certain people are there. Without naming names or being too specific here are the common characteristics they all seem to share. You have to kiss their butt and pretend to like them if they are higher up on the "corporate ladder" (I hate that term), they always talk down to you like they're crap don't stink and they are very anal. Now understand that I'm in engineering, so that is a pretty common trait, but these Assclowns are a little too anal about EVERYTHING!

If the common good workers (good worker = likes to dink around on the internet, likes to chat with co-workers about non-work related topics, gets drunk at lunch for fun once in awhile and gets their work done when it is required but is otherwise relaxed) can filter these bums out and give these companies names that we know to stay away from; I don't think anyone would feel uncomfortable starting in a new work environment.

South Dakota?!

So watching Sunday night football my wife, Megan, comes up with a classic line for me. She pretty much writes this blog for as she has some great one liners.

We're watching the Indianapolis Colts (IND) take on the San Diego Chargers (SD). For all the football games that are on, there's always the score somewhere on the screen indicated by the teams cities. Megan likes to guess where the teams are from and what the team names are when she first sees the screen. She correctly guesses Indianapolis and then guesses South Dakota for the Chargers?!

Now in a man's world, these team names are common knowledge. Even if we don't know the teams right off the bat, we do know that there are NO teams in South Dakota, except for the Fighting Sioux, NCAA hockey team! Another fact about these little score indicators on the screens at all times are that they always indicate the CITY of the team, for those that don't know.

Another fact that is not known is that these information bars were first used during Super Bowl XXVI when the San Jose Elephants took on the Portland Seagulls in 1994. On average, 34% of people just watch the game for the commercials (another little known fact) and these people were so impressed by actually knowing the score of the game at all times actually became interested in the game!

Actually, that last paragraph is completely made up and 95.2% of all facts are made up on the spot (another little known fact).

The other technology that was gladly short lived what the glowing red puck used during some NHL broadcasts. It was used by Fox and was called the FOXTRAX, dumbest idea ever. Thankfully all 17 of us NHL fans spoke up and Fox stopped using it. The only time it was good was when the puck flew into the crowd and pegged the unsuspecting patron, we could actually see who it was that got hit right away.

Either way, this information bar is crucial to sports today. Just try and watch an old 1980's NBA game when they only show you the score after someone scores or there's a timeout. What a pain

General Mall Rules

In general, I think most people in society are dumb. They don't know how to drive, they don't know how to walk down the street and they don't even know how to walk in the mall.

For those of you who have been living on Neptune, there are general rules to walking in the mall. It is pretty much like a highway, on one side of the mall people walk in one general direction while the other side is walking in the opposite direction. People merge into traffic from the assortment of shops, usually going way too slow. If you need to turn around, use a designated "For Official Use Only" lanes, do not just stop and start heading in the opposite direction.

Too many times while trying to just enjoy a stroll through the mall with my family, there are too many people that don't know that these rules exist. They need to be posted and the stupid "mall cops" on Segways should be giving these people tickets. For those of you that don't know what a Segway is, they are the invention that lazy meter maids and some "high class" mall security personnel use. Most of these people should not be using them as they are overweight and never get off them because they think they are better than everyone else.

To my point: As a society, because there are not mall cops that are of any use, we should all be allowed to carry around 3 NERF footballs. They could also be the old school dodge ball type balls too, which ever you want. When someone does something stupid that annoys you, you should be allowed to peg this person in the face or wherever you want.

When you run out of your 3 balls, you need to do something to annoy someone else and they will in turn throw their ball at you. You can collect up to 10 balls at any one time, but no more than this. When you throw your ball at someone else, they get to keep that ball. There will be no minimum distance that you need to be from these people when you throw your ball.

This would make people a lot more accountable for their actions and I think society in general would be a lot more fun if and when these rules are instituted.

I am Kirk Wolf and I approve this message.

My wife, the sports genius...

My wife, like many women not interested in sports, has impeccable timing when it comes to watching sports on TV.

For some reason, during the key plays, big games or most dramatic moments she somehow wrestles the remote from me. I may need to get rid of the 3 remotes that control the TV functions, as this sometimes creates a TV flipping from the couch war, another blog another time. Anyway, take for instance the 2004 ALCS, Game 7 between the Yankees and Red Sox.

Now, for starters, I don't like baseball. Sorry, but it's a lazy man's sport. Arguably the greatest player, Babe Ruth, was not the best physical specimen of all time. Anycrap, again, another blog for another time. My wife comes in on this game during the bottom of the 9th inning. After 2 outs, she decides to change the channel telling me that the game is over. The score was 10-3 at the time, and in her mind she's thinking, "He doesn't even like baseball and the BOS are killing the NYY guys, who cares."

Actually, I'm thinking, "I wonder how they can blow this one, this is going to be another Buckner moment!" We all love a train wreck, so I was glued to the TV. After Megan changed the channel my mouth just dropped.

I remember the conversation going something like this:

Me: "What are you doing, there's only one more out!"

Her: "Exactly, the games done!"

Me: Throwing my shoe at her, "It's game 7, change it back!"

Her: "Who throws their shoe, honestly?!"

Needless to say, I'm sure many sports fans that are happily married have similar stories like this and we're going to continue explaining the little intricacies of sports to our loved ones until they just learn to watch out when we're watching sports with our shoes on, get another TV or pretend to take an interest in these games.

The Ground Rules

So there is going to be some ground rules to my blog that I need to set up, these may be broken by myself as I'm not the smartest person out there and I'll just straight up forget them eventually.

1. No political opinions or comments.
B. You may not like my opinion, life sucks, get a helmet.
3. Grammatical errors will be encouraged, bite me. I have a wife, 2 kids and no time for reading back over my thoughts. I'll try to catch spel check when I can.
IV. No blogging allowed at work, or as I sometimes call it, "work."