Laughter

Some people say to eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away.

I say don’t go to the doctor to keep them away.

It cannot be argued that the best medicine is laughter though. Being able to laugh, at yourself especially, is something everyone should be able to do in just about all situations. I have the huge advantage of looking terribly funny, so I have just grown up with it. The one weird thing about laughter is how varied people’s laughs can be.

The Woody Woodpecker laugh has to be one of the most annoying. The annoyance level is quadrupled when that laugh sits next to you in a cube farm. It’s hard to get mad at someone that’s laughing, but this may be an exception.

The silent laugh. When people smile and open their mouth, but nothing comes out. These people are usually characterized by their large bodies and general lack of physical fitness. They are not healthy enough to get air through their lungs to put out a good laugh. They are usually out of breath going up 4 or more stairs and breath heavily after doing so.

The what the crap is that, a laugh?! It sounds more like a convulsion and you fear for the person laughing that they might die.

The gasping for air laugh. It sounds like the person is wheezing and their face gets all red, quite uncomfortable for those around.

The fake laugh laughter. These people make it hard to distinguish between an actual laugh, a fake laugh, and a courtesy laugh. It is a terrible thing when a belly laugh cannot be distinguished between a fake laugh. Similar to Nien Nunb from Star Wars episode VI.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js6rbXw_tfA&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1

Wait…I meant this link…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3QVEyyBPKk&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1

The loud laugher. This guy thinks all things require a laugh that can be heard across town. These people are usually idiots that don’t understand normal social behavior and need to shut their pie holes.

Belly laughter is the greatest of all. You know what belly laughter is when you are out of control, you start to tear up and a little pee comes out. Like the first time you saw Tom & Jerry right before bed and you were really tired or heard that the Mavericks just won the NBA Finals!? Wait, the NBA is still going on!?

Excuses

In honor of a co-worker missing another day of work with another stupid excuse I decided to write my own excuses that I will be using in the future. This was a fun one!

My neighbor’s cat got attacked by a raccoon and needs surgery. I need to take their trash out today, so I will not make it in today.

I was smoking a stogie on the toilet and had a large amount of my gas ignite. I was thrown across the bathroom and hit my head on the sink faucet. I will not be in today.

I was toasting my bread and stuck my hand in to get a stuck piece of bread out with my wet hand. I received an electric shock that threw my back out. I will not be in today.

I was working in my garage last night with a table saw. The piece of wood I was sawing flung back and smacked me in the face breaking my nose. I ran inside for medical treatment and tripped on the threshold due to lack of vision. I am getting my eyes checked today. I will not be in today.

I was hanging a portrait while standing on my toilet, slipped, hit my head on the toilet and had a vision. I quickly realized that I discovered how to make time travel possible. I will be working on modifying my Dodge Stratus. I will not be in today.

A guy down the street got a hang nail last night. I threw out my back trying to help him. I will not be in today.

I got really drunk last night and ended up getting shot in the calf during a drive by. The wound has been cleaned but I have trouble walking. Performing my normal duties at work of sitting and looking at a computer was advised against by my doctor (I have a doctor’s note if you need it). I will not be in today.

I ate at Seafood last night and have gotten a terrible case of food poisoning. I was throwing up all last evening and as a result my stomach got sore. I attempted to stretch it out by doing some yoga but got stuck in downward dog. I am typing this with a pencil in my mouth. I will not be in today.

I got beat up because my neighbors caught me picking through their trash. I will not be in today.

I got an electric shock from an energized train that I won on E-bay. The train is an all metal locomotive built in the 1930’s, so being pre-WWII it’s very rare. The paint is all original lead based paint, I know that from the taste. So the shock threw me back, I tripped on my dog, I hit my face on a 1940’s model aircraft and had to get stitches. I will not be in today.

During the middle of the night last night my wife filled up the remaining 28 ft² of our house with boxes she found at Goodwill. On my way out to work today, I got lost and can’t even find the computer to write this to you. I will not be in today.

I am in a coma. I will not be in today.

Hide and Seek

One of my kids favorite games to play is hide and seek. Most of the time I only get about 8 seconds to hide. Our house doesn’t have a lot of closets and I have found that I don’t quite fit in the same spaces I used to fit when I was 10. I guess I have gained some weight since then too?

Some of the best places I have found to hide are:

The rim of the bathtub, behind the shower curtain. The kids can’t see your feet and forget to look at the ceiling to look for your head.

Under a bed. It’s funny to see their feet scamper about trying to find you and you can see them.

On top of a shelf. Hard to get there quietly, but worth it to see them only look at eye level. I have never actually done it.

In the dryer. Funny because its next to impossible for the kids to find you in here, although not so funny when wife accidentally starts it when you fall asleep.

In the corner with a lampshade on your head. Works better in cartoons and movies, I guess I’m too fat to be doing that impersonation anymore.

In the closet behind clothes. Another good spot, but hard for long periods of time. I woke up with a sore neck after a 1.5 hour long ordeal.

Still one of the best games to play with your kids when they are young. Other good games include: tag (because you’re still fast no matter how old you are if the kids are under the age of 5), basketball (most of the time you’ll be taller unless your kid is a maple tree), and go fish (kids don’t know how to hide their cards and it’s easy to sneak a peek at them).

Morning

Whatever happened to saying “Good Morning” to one another? Are we all that lazy, myself included, that we just say “Morning” now? What kind of moron would think it’s any other time of day at 6:30am? I can answer from experience that it is in fact laziness, saying one word is way easier that saying the extra “Good” word. Plus, why should I assume someone else views it as a good morning, it could be the worst morning the other person has ever had! I guess “Morning” is just another politically correct way of greeting one another in the morning, although politically correct terms usually lengthen, not shorten the original phrase.

The other thing that has me going this morning is when I pass by someone and they ask, “How you doing?” and keep on walking. Other things that are said that mean the same thing: “How’s it going?”, “What’s up?”, and my favorite “Get lost assdart.” However it’s communicated, the question is never given the time for a proper response.

Here’s a scenario that takes place in any office when two people pass by in the hallway:

Bob: Morning. (nodding and raising his coffee cup.)

John: How ya doing?

Bob: Well, this past weekend I burned all the hair on my ass by….John, where did you go?

[John keeps walking not giving a rat’s fart about the question just made.]

Here’s how the above scenario should have taken place:

Bob: Good morning.

John: How ya doing?

[Both stop in the hallway.]

Bob: Well I had to stay up most of the night to clean up dog poop. The dog forgot where he was again and decided to drop a couple deuces on the bed in the middle of the night. That old codger need to be put down. I’m tired today and most likely will just stare at my computer screen most of the day trying to make it look like I’m being productive.

John: Bob, since you are kind of new here I’ll let you in on a little secret, that’s what pretty much everyone does around here every day.

[Both laugh and move on.]

A valuable lesson was learned when people took the time to listen when a question was asked: most people don’t do anything when they are at work and they are usually pretty bad at hiding that fact too. Some people just don’t care if they hide it or not too.

If I Won The Lottery

I'll be the first to admit, at my young age my retirement accounts don't look too promising. I get that there is still a lot of time before, strike that, IF I ever retire. The best plan right now is to buy lottery tickets and hope for the best. Don't get me wrong, I don't need to win $148 million, just a couple million would do.

First thing I would do, set aside most of it for my family so they are set for their lives.

Second, buy a junk car with huge steel beams as bumpers. I would get the car decked out with safety cages and roll bars and what not. My first target would be to back out of our driveway and run into the neighbor's mailbox who are always backing into ours and denying it. Then I would proceed to find annoying drivers and stop extremely quickly in front of them, watching them wreck their cars.

Another thing I would like to do, pay someone to do all of my laundry, including folding it and putting it away. Most likely the least favorite thing in the house to do, next to cleaning up kid puke.

Obviously I would build a dream house, it would consist of grass carpets, like the grass from golf greens. I would make sure it had a fountain pop machine and a stream running through it. That way I could play Legos and GI Joes with my boy. Another thing the house would have is a hockey rink in the basement, gotta have basement hockey.

I'm just making fun of myself with these, I would like to think I would give most of the money away after I get fired from work for pooping on co-workers chairs and or desks.

Who Throws Their Shoe, Honestly?

Have you ever been in a situation where some jerk(s) were yelling at you and there was nothing you could do about it? My wife ran into this when she was in line in the drive-thru. She had placed her order and the car behind her, full of teenage know-it-alls, started honking and yelling at her to move up more so they could get their order in. What the idiots failed to realize is that she couldn't pull up any further unless she wanted to rear end the next patron. After she told me this story, I had a great original idea.

When we are done with shoes in our family, we usually just throw them out. I'm sure we could find somewhere to recycle them, but that sounds like a lot of work. My bright idea is to not throw these shoes out, but keep them handy in the car or at your desk at work. When people start heckling you to move up in the drive-thru line, get something done for them right away or come to your work area and crop dust you (that means someone comes and just drops a fart on you without warning and promptly leaves), you would then have the means to physically let them know to shut their pie hole (or other hole in other cases).

Can you imagine driving down the highway and you're in the "fast" lane. There are no other options other than following behind the guy that his cruise control set to 67 when the speed limit is 65. He thinks he's speeding, but anyone with half a brain knows he's just stupid. So you're following this guy and some assclown comes up behind you in a rice burner with a sweet spoiler and some muffler that makes his car sound tricked out. This is another blog topic all together to describe how many jackasses drive around in these ghetto sleds. Anyway, imagine they start honking at you and giving you the finger.

How great would it be in this situation to just be able to open up a window and toss a tennis shoe at him? Imagine their reaction to your action? I think it would go something like this:
Him: (Honk, Honk, Honk!!) Why is this moron going so slow!?
You: (Roll down window and throw shoe perfectly into his windshield)
Him: Was that a shoe?! Did they just throw a shoe!? (Giving the finger to you)
You: (Throw different shoe at him directly into his windshield)
Him: OK, this person is obviously crazy, I'm not messing with them anymore.

Now this would just be so much fun at work too. The guy/boss that needs something done right away that they themselves should do or someone that isn't doing anything should be given. How great would that be to just throw your handy dandy shoe at them! Since construction workers work with guys that are pretty rough, a steel toe boot is a justified tool.

After the shoe is thrown, in all cases the situation should be solved and the people that had the shoe thrown at them should realize they were acting out of order or acting retarded, shut up and/or leave you alone from then on. Because who throws their shoe, honestly?

American Idol Season 5 thousand

So in honor of one of the worst shows ever, I have decided to come out and let everyone know that I think I sound like Eddie Vedder when I sing. Of course that's when I'm by myself with the music turned up so that I can't hear myself. If you ask my sister, I sound more like a combination of David Duchovny and Gonzo from the Muppets.

You can't tell me you don't sing by yourself in the car when one of your favorite songs comes on and you actually know the words. Is there a particular song that you think you can sing well and actually sound like the person singing it. Wait, the person getting paid millions to sing it? I can't speak for anyone but myself, since I'm the only person that has been in the car when I'm alone.

The Simon dude that rips everyone a new one in telling them how terrible they are is really just honest. I think a lot of these air heads have not heard themselves sing or seen themselves sing. First off, I know I'm terrible. Why do a lot of these people take it all offensive when they are told they're awful? Because they can't take the truth, they've never heard the truth and they're obviously tone deaf.

Why do people contort their faces in such a weird way when trying to hit some notes? Because they don't know that you really don't have to look all tarded when you can actually sing.

For everyone reading this that is thinking of trying out for American Idol, which is no one since only my mom reads my posts, call yourself and leave yourself a voice mail singing.

Go ahead, I'll wait, I actually have time right now.

Ok, now listen to it.

Yeah, pretty bad isn't it?

You thought it was good!? Ok, call me and let me listen to it. I'll call you back with an honest opinion. On second thought, since I shouldn't give my phone number out, make an mp3 or whatever and post it. Put the link in the comments below. That way we can all make fun of it.

Mr. Roboto

If anyone else watches football they have seen the same stupid ass think I have week in and week out. Before going back to the game, FOX always lets you know who is sponsoring the next 6 minutes of action. During this time they have some robot dancing, trying to act tough or pretending to not be stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d6Rj7SMjpA

Apparently this thing was cool about the same time when the FOX track puck for hockey, disco and the VW Beetle were also considered cool. Oh wait, that would be never.

In this day and age of advertising, with all the great commercials and what not going around, it would make sense to get a new strategy. Namely use something that doesn’t make me change the channel or want to punch kittens. I know what you’re thinking, how can anyone punch a kitten!? Well, it’s justifiable when you realize that the kitten eventually becomes a cat.

Here is a list of ideas that FOX can use instead of the jackass robot:

1) Nothing

2) Use it for additional advertising space, the sponsors can be sponsored!

3) Funny videos of guys getting hit in the junk

4) Football Bloopers

5) A picture in picture of a decent football game rather than the piece of crap that always seems to make it to my viewing area

6) Some kind of statistic since they seem to show more and more and keep track of more and more

7) Showing Riverdance people dance with apparently no ligaments in their knees

8) Showing these people dancing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

9) Showing this guy dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikTxfIDYx6Q

10) This guy dancing would be more fun than the game most likely, just put this as the main screen and in the corner put the actual game: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

11) How about someone picking out their toe nail with an ice pick!

12) How about Elaine from Seinfeld dancing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xi4O1yi6b0

FOX can use any of these ideas, but broadcasting, or any other pictures, descriptions, or any logical idea during the game, without the my express written consent, is strictly prohibited.

The Weight Indicator

After recently run a half marathon, I was enjoying a rather fast and large metabolism. That was back in early September. Since then I had to study for a rather large test and have not been working out as much. The weight indicator, otherwise known as my gut, says that I’m slowly creeping back to pre-running a lot days.

So, what to do about this conundrum? Well, how about working out? That sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it. Can’t someone come up with a voucher system for this? How about I pay $25/credit hour. That would get me the benefit of running for 60 minutes at a 6.5 mph pace. For $35/credit hour the pace goes to 8.0 mph, that would be a more aerobic benefit.

Another option would be to just get as large as I could, then just get surgery. I think this is the lazy person’s alternative, but then again the voucher system is a lazy way out too.

In the end, I have no idea what I was getting at with this post. I started to write it, actually did some work, then tried to get back to it and completely lost my train of thought. I had some funny comments to make, maybe someday I’ll write another post that has them in it, until then, I’ll just post this. After all, no one really reads this anyway.

Throw (UP) Back Uniforms

I am by no means the fashion police, luckily I have a wife that helps me out in the fashion sense, otherwise I would look like a combination of Al Borland and Gary Busey. So if you did not have a TV on for the days of Sunday-Tuesday (10-11 through 10-13) here is a picture for you:

Now my first reaction to seeing these were “Did they just run their white uniforms through a sewer? Are those women’s hosing from the 1850’s or socks?”

I later came to the conclusion that it was in fact the Denver Broncos uniforms thanks to the game’s play by play announcer’s letting everyone know. Otherwise when one of the Denver running backs fumbled the ball through his legs, it looked like he had just dropped a huge deuce.

My guess is the jersey's are a huge reason why Denver won this game, New England just got dizzy from looking at these socks and after the grass got torn up on the field, they acted like camouflage.

I like the throw back jersey idea, but it would be nice if someone, somewhere had some common sense and figured out that the most common reaction to seeing this jersey would be to throw up.

Not cool Denver/NFL, not cool.

More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

You know, there’s a saying in engineering: “There’s always more than one way to skin a cat.” I heard it just the other day when I analyzed something one way and someone suggested doing it another way. That got me to thinking why isn’t the saying “There’s always more than one way to skin a dog?”

I’ll tell you why, because dogs are great and cats are the devils spawn.

The only cool cats I’ve ever seen or heard of have personalities like dogs. Which begs the question, why even bother gambling on the fact that the cat might be like a dog when you could just get a dog?

Maybe my dislike for dogs comes from my dad throwing ice cubes at the neighborhood cats wondering through our yard when I was growing up. I later asked him why he used ice cubes and he said “It’s a solid object that won’t leave any evidence and won’t ruin the mower later.” Smart man my dad.

So back to cats and why they are so terrible. First off, these generalizations are for “cat” personalities, not the cool “dog-cats.”

Cats don’t do what you want them to. Why do the blind only use dogs, because cats would leed the blind up trees and to cat nip factories. They are such arrogant animals, I just want to my shoes at everyone of them! I unfortunately learned I can’t do that since I only have 2 shoes on me and there’s usually 12 cats wondering around.

Cats only come around humans when they want something. Dogs will wait for you to come home and wag their tales when they see you. There love is unconditional and this is made obvious to by the fact they still love you even after rub their noses in their own feces. Dogs can go on walks with people outside, they go on boats, hikes and even like to swim around with people. When was the last time you saw someone going on a walk/hike with their cat?

Cats are just stupid. Dogs can be trained and will learn how to do many useful things at they should do. Cats do whatever they want and think they’re better than humans. If they had opposable thumbs, I can see these creatures being mankinds’ arch enemies. Let’s just say that the Terminator movies would be the fight against cats.

No crazy old people own 100 dogs. They always seem to have 100 cats. Why, because crazy people like cats. Enough said.

Last point is that people give cats away and I’ve seen people pay someone else to take their cat. Dogs are hard to find for free. Why? Because of supply and demand. No one wants a cat and there’s way too many of them, therefore the price is zero. There are many people who want dogs and apparently there are not enough, price is usually around $100.

On all points, dogs win. Cats are stupid.

What in the Wide Wide World of Sports!?

As of right now, the Michigan economy is in the dumpster. In fact, it’s more of a dumpster fire. Usually a good focal point for states that are in the dumps or that are burning in the dumpster are the local sports. With sports, we can escape from our real world problems for awhile and just watch athletes at their finest.

Being from Michigan and a Michigan State University Alum, I still like to keep up with teams in Michigan. There are the Red Wings, Pistons, Tigers and Lions. I think they have a WNBA team, but no one considers that a sport. If you do consider it a sport name the past 3 champions of the league, yeah, that’s what I thought, shut up.

Besides professional sports, there are great college sports too!

Being in the dumps right now and with an unemployment rate of 46.3% (a little bit of rounding is involved in that figure) people have all the time in the world to watch their teams. You would hope that with the current conditions in the state, things would be great for sports. Well, like the economy, so went the sports, spinning around the toilet bowl on their way down through the crapper. Let me sum up some of the great accomplishments in the great state of Michigan from the 2009 year so far:

1) Red Wings lose in Game 7 of the Stanely Cup finals to the Pittsburgh Penguins. They were up 3-2 and had game 7 on home ice. I still don’t like the Penguins and never will for that reason, jerks.

2) Michigan State Spartans Men’s Basketball team comes out of no-where to be the bracket buster and play in the Championship Game against UNC in the March Madness Finals. The icing on the cake was the game was being played in their backyard at Ford Field in Detroit! The game was over in about 1.8 seconds, they got crushed along with a lot of hearts in Michigan.

3) Just last night the good old Tigers blow a 3 game lead with 4 games left to lose the AL Central. Now I really don’t care about baseball so this had the impact of 1 puff for Snoop Dogg, zero. I just mention it because of the epic failure it was, first time it’s ever happened in baseball. They made the Wall of Shame for this one!

4) The Lions had the distinction of winning for the first time in 2 years in football last week. Then they go to Chicago and get their dogs kicked. To top it off, Johnny Knox returns a kick off for a touchdown. That’s not the amazing part, a ball boy sprinting down the field with 2 balls in his hands outruns the entire Lions team. Granted he didn’t have blockers in front of him, but he also isn’t making hundreds of thousands of dollars for this one game. Terrible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPE110QQ9gU&feature=player_embedded

5) The Pistons managed to make the playoffs in the Spring. No one seemed to notice or care as they were a road bump for a much better team, whoever they played in the first round. They also made headlines for trading away their best player for an older dude that is pretty much an old thug that can’t play anymore. Good thinking! Let’s top it off by ruining our chances for getting a decent draft pick by making the playoffs. At least the Lions had the right mentality when they ran the board last year and ended the season with a perfect 0-16 record.

6) The icing on the cake is the fact that when our professional sports are getting blown out by out of state teams, the in state collegiate teams beat each other up. First Central Michigan pulls a horse shoe out of their butt to win in the last seconds against Michigan State. Then a Top 25 University of Michigan stumbles into East Lansing and loses to Michigan State. Since University of Michigan beat Western Michigan earlier in the season, Central Michigan (!?) claims the prize for best college football team?

The good news is that the Red Wings started again and Michigan State Men’s Basketball is returning a lot of guys. UNC thankfully graduated their top 18 players to the NBA, so we shouldn’t have them as a problem this year!

Go Green and Let’s Go Red Wings!

Kids Say the Darndest Things

There is something to be admired by the way kids talk and think. They have no reservations for calling it like they see it. Why not, they haven’t been brain washed yet to know what political correctness is and have no manners what-so-ever. This topic came up for me when my 3½ year old made some very keen observations and comments. So I started thinking, what if adults were the same way?

What would our work conversations sound like? I know what a conversation would sound like at my work:

Me: Can you correct this drawing, it looks like it was drawn by a 3 month old monkey?

Him: You can bite me for that comment first off. Second off, I’ll say I’m going to do it but I won’t do anything about it until about 3 months from now.

Me: That’s fine, I’m just going to e-mail you with a conversation summary summarizing what we just talked about and your comments. That way you can be the super fart face when the boss asks why this is late.

Him: Oh yeah, you’re the super fart face! [Hits me]

Me: Dummy! [Kicking him in the shin]

Physical and verbal fighting would ensue until someone either won or someone tapped out. Either way, things would be settled the way they should be and the world would be right again.

Here’s another example of what a conversation would sound like at the grocery store:

Stupid Lady: Why do you have to use so many stupid Qpons and take FOREVER to check out!

Wife: Listen stupid lady, first there’s no “Q” in coupons. Second I’m saving money, something you should think about doing although you most likely don’t have the mental capacity to handle “doubling coupons” and “rebates.”

Stupid Lady: Listen, there’s only 2 lanes open right now, why don’t you plan on doing your shopping at a time when there’s more people to check you out?!

Wife: I do my shopping when I can, why didn’t you come when there’s more people to check out shoppers. Oh yeah! Maybe because that would mean there’s a ton of people here and no one likes to go somewhere when it’s busy unless they have to. Where did you get your High School Equivalency? Man, you’re such a super fart face!

Then ideally stupid lady would go off and feel shame for being so obviously stupid, but instead she would just argue and in the mean time she could have just gotten into the other lane and have checked out 15 minutes ago. Seriously, have you talked to people recently? They’re the worst!

I guess this blog is my outlet for speaking like a child. I get to comment on things the way I see them, although it was supposed to just be about sports. Either way, I think people would be a lot less stressed if we just said what we were thinking. Last real life for someone calling it like they saw it:

Mr. O: Blah blah blah, and of course we won’t do that even though if you actually read it, it plainly states we will.

The Man: YOU LIE!”

Nutrition Tool

Training with my wife for a half marathon introduced me to the world of runners. They are a fruity bunch were the men wear women’s length shorts proudly. Thankfully, I have more respect for my fellow man and stick to soccer type shorts.

Another odd aspect of this world is the nutrition. There are GU gels, recovery drinks and anti nipple chaffing creams. Alright, so I made up the last one although SpongeBob band-aids work great. The GU gels have been known to leave stool samples looking more like oil slicks. I’m not making this up, talk to runners and they’ll tell you the same thing if they have used these things.

The recovery drink I got a sample of when we picked up our “raceday” packet was FORZE. This “Nutrition Tool” is “Designed to activate the body’s natural appetite control signal” to help reduce hunger. I guess it’s actually to lose weight but since it was free I had to at least try it.

Man, whoever made this liquid crap is the real tool. Maybe I’m the tool for believing it might taste like something a human might want to consume. It came in two flavors, Vanilla and Chocolate. I thought the Chocolate was the worst thing I had ever tasted until I tried the Vanilla variety. Why would anyone buy this stuff unless it was their first time or they were on crack?

To give you an explanation of the way this stuff tastes and looks I’ll go into more detail.

First off, it comes in what looks like a milk carton. It’s does not require refrigeration which should be the first warning sign.

Second, the smell is like soy milk. I’m sorry if you like soy milk, if you do you’re dumb.

Third, it has a milky type of fluidity. As it runs over your taste buds it makes you want to gag. The claim is correct that it helps with appetite control in the fact that you never want to eat again after trying this soup made by the devil himself.

I think I can help the marketing departments of all this nutrition junk, they should just let everyone know that the taste is required, the processing may be irregular but the benefits are minimal! Then they would finally go out of business and we could say goodbye to these fruitcakes and go back to our diets of bacon only!

Ah, the wonder of highlights

After taking a summer off of commentating on sports, I found it appropriate to make another comment on baseball.

Since it’s the only game being played during the summer, it’s terrible and I didn’t have SportsCenter (except at the gym) I didn’t have anything to comment on really.

All summer long I kept seeing the same stupid ass highlights of baseball though. Guys making diving catches (with gloves!), guys hitting the baseball and pitchers striking guys out I decided that Baseball is the worst. Have you seen it lately?

The best highlights of this stupid sport were when a cat got on to the field, the mascots pushed each other over during the 7th inning stretch or morons on the bench were wearing their hats inside out as “rally caps.” I’m not even making these up.

I have other posts explaining my opinions on why this sport is full of super fart heads, but with these so called highlights making the “Top 10 Plays” of the day just confirms my opinion of this sport as fact.

To top it all off, these guys make millions of dollars and they aren’t even in shape!? Are these athletes? Seriously, they are? Man, I would classify this “sport” as on the same playing field as cheer-leading.

Oh Snap, I just made a tackle!

With football season in full swing I think it’s time to address a troubling trend. The excessive celebrations of regular and mediocre plays.

I think it all started with the touchdown celebrations, followed by the advent of SportCenter where athletes wanted to be on the evening news for their outstanding plays where only the best can make the 30 second recap of the game. Another major contributor is steroids. If you think football players are not on steroids, you’re just dumb, which explains why you’re reading my posts.

Now players they have to go nuts when they make a tackle run an extra 30 yards after being pushed out of bounds on a kick off play because they brought it out past the 50. These morons feel that if they do some dance, flex, hit themselves on the helmet hard or make the first down sign after gaining 8 yards they are then classified as awesome.

Note to these players, you are not more awesome for doing stupid acts like this you are classified as retarded. The best players in history didn’t do much of a celebration because they had been there before and knew they were going to do it again, see Barry Sanders TD celebrations or Brett Hull after scoring a goal.

I’m all for players getting excited, but to make a spectacle of something they get paid to do is just off the deep end. Pretty soon the whole offense is going to perform a choreographed sequence, Riverdance style, in the end zone. The guy who scores the touchdown will get to be the “lead” guy.

Just go back to huddle or throw the ball the ref and go back to your respective sideline. Your 1.2 seconds of fame is over and when analysts talk about the greatest players to play the game, your name is only going to be mentioned in the category of “Kanye West Wanna Be’s.” (See recent deutsch bag move by this ass-dart!)