Mr. Roboto

If anyone else watches football they have seen the same stupid ass think I have week in and week out. Before going back to the game, FOX always lets you know who is sponsoring the next 6 minutes of action. During this time they have some robot dancing, trying to act tough or pretending to not be stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d6Rj7SMjpA

Apparently this thing was cool about the same time when the FOX track puck for hockey, disco and the VW Beetle were also considered cool. Oh wait, that would be never.

In this day and age of advertising, with all the great commercials and what not going around, it would make sense to get a new strategy. Namely use something that doesn’t make me change the channel or want to punch kittens. I know what you’re thinking, how can anyone punch a kitten!? Well, it’s justifiable when you realize that the kitten eventually becomes a cat.

Here is a list of ideas that FOX can use instead of the jackass robot:

1) Nothing

2) Use it for additional advertising space, the sponsors can be sponsored!

3) Funny videos of guys getting hit in the junk

4) Football Bloopers

5) A picture in picture of a decent football game rather than the piece of crap that always seems to make it to my viewing area

6) Some kind of statistic since they seem to show more and more and keep track of more and more

7) Showing Riverdance people dance with apparently no ligaments in their knees

8) Showing these people dancing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

9) Showing this guy dance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikTxfIDYx6Q

10) This guy dancing would be more fun than the game most likely, just put this as the main screen and in the corner put the actual game: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

11) How about someone picking out their toe nail with an ice pick!

12) How about Elaine from Seinfeld dancing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xi4O1yi6b0

FOX can use any of these ideas, but broadcasting, or any other pictures, descriptions, or any logical idea during the game, without the my express written consent, is strictly prohibited.

The Weight Indicator

After recently run a half marathon, I was enjoying a rather fast and large metabolism. That was back in early September. Since then I had to study for a rather large test and have not been working out as much. The weight indicator, otherwise known as my gut, says that I’m slowly creeping back to pre-running a lot days.

So, what to do about this conundrum? Well, how about working out? That sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it. Can’t someone come up with a voucher system for this? How about I pay $25/credit hour. That would get me the benefit of running for 60 minutes at a 6.5 mph pace. For $35/credit hour the pace goes to 8.0 mph, that would be a more aerobic benefit.

Another option would be to just get as large as I could, then just get surgery. I think this is the lazy person’s alternative, but then again the voucher system is a lazy way out too.

In the end, I have no idea what I was getting at with this post. I started to write it, actually did some work, then tried to get back to it and completely lost my train of thought. I had some funny comments to make, maybe someday I’ll write another post that has them in it, until then, I’ll just post this. After all, no one really reads this anyway.

Throw (UP) Back Uniforms

I am by no means the fashion police, luckily I have a wife that helps me out in the fashion sense, otherwise I would look like a combination of Al Borland and Gary Busey. So if you did not have a TV on for the days of Sunday-Tuesday (10-11 through 10-13) here is a picture for you:

Now my first reaction to seeing these were “Did they just run their white uniforms through a sewer? Are those women’s hosing from the 1850’s or socks?”

I later came to the conclusion that it was in fact the Denver Broncos uniforms thanks to the game’s play by play announcer’s letting everyone know. Otherwise when one of the Denver running backs fumbled the ball through his legs, it looked like he had just dropped a huge deuce.

My guess is the jersey's are a huge reason why Denver won this game, New England just got dizzy from looking at these socks and after the grass got torn up on the field, they acted like camouflage.

I like the throw back jersey idea, but it would be nice if someone, somewhere had some common sense and figured out that the most common reaction to seeing this jersey would be to throw up.

Not cool Denver/NFL, not cool.

More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

You know, there’s a saying in engineering: “There’s always more than one way to skin a cat.” I heard it just the other day when I analyzed something one way and someone suggested doing it another way. That got me to thinking why isn’t the saying “There’s always more than one way to skin a dog?”

I’ll tell you why, because dogs are great and cats are the devils spawn.

The only cool cats I’ve ever seen or heard of have personalities like dogs. Which begs the question, why even bother gambling on the fact that the cat might be like a dog when you could just get a dog?

Maybe my dislike for dogs comes from my dad throwing ice cubes at the neighborhood cats wondering through our yard when I was growing up. I later asked him why he used ice cubes and he said “It’s a solid object that won’t leave any evidence and won’t ruin the mower later.” Smart man my dad.

So back to cats and why they are so terrible. First off, these generalizations are for “cat” personalities, not the cool “dog-cats.”

Cats don’t do what you want them to. Why do the blind only use dogs, because cats would leed the blind up trees and to cat nip factories. They are such arrogant animals, I just want to my shoes at everyone of them! I unfortunately learned I can’t do that since I only have 2 shoes on me and there’s usually 12 cats wondering around.

Cats only come around humans when they want something. Dogs will wait for you to come home and wag their tales when they see you. There love is unconditional and this is made obvious to by the fact they still love you even after rub their noses in their own feces. Dogs can go on walks with people outside, they go on boats, hikes and even like to swim around with people. When was the last time you saw someone going on a walk/hike with their cat?

Cats are just stupid. Dogs can be trained and will learn how to do many useful things at they should do. Cats do whatever they want and think they’re better than humans. If they had opposable thumbs, I can see these creatures being mankinds’ arch enemies. Let’s just say that the Terminator movies would be the fight against cats.

No crazy old people own 100 dogs. They always seem to have 100 cats. Why, because crazy people like cats. Enough said.

Last point is that people give cats away and I’ve seen people pay someone else to take their cat. Dogs are hard to find for free. Why? Because of supply and demand. No one wants a cat and there’s way too many of them, therefore the price is zero. There are many people who want dogs and apparently there are not enough, price is usually around $100.

On all points, dogs win. Cats are stupid.

What in the Wide Wide World of Sports!?

As of right now, the Michigan economy is in the dumpster. In fact, it’s more of a dumpster fire. Usually a good focal point for states that are in the dumps or that are burning in the dumpster are the local sports. With sports, we can escape from our real world problems for awhile and just watch athletes at their finest.

Being from Michigan and a Michigan State University Alum, I still like to keep up with teams in Michigan. There are the Red Wings, Pistons, Tigers and Lions. I think they have a WNBA team, but no one considers that a sport. If you do consider it a sport name the past 3 champions of the league, yeah, that’s what I thought, shut up.

Besides professional sports, there are great college sports too!

Being in the dumps right now and with an unemployment rate of 46.3% (a little bit of rounding is involved in that figure) people have all the time in the world to watch their teams. You would hope that with the current conditions in the state, things would be great for sports. Well, like the economy, so went the sports, spinning around the toilet bowl on their way down through the crapper. Let me sum up some of the great accomplishments in the great state of Michigan from the 2009 year so far:

1) Red Wings lose in Game 7 of the Stanely Cup finals to the Pittsburgh Penguins. They were up 3-2 and had game 7 on home ice. I still don’t like the Penguins and never will for that reason, jerks.

2) Michigan State Spartans Men’s Basketball team comes out of no-where to be the bracket buster and play in the Championship Game against UNC in the March Madness Finals. The icing on the cake was the game was being played in their backyard at Ford Field in Detroit! The game was over in about 1.8 seconds, they got crushed along with a lot of hearts in Michigan.

3) Just last night the good old Tigers blow a 3 game lead with 4 games left to lose the AL Central. Now I really don’t care about baseball so this had the impact of 1 puff for Snoop Dogg, zero. I just mention it because of the epic failure it was, first time it’s ever happened in baseball. They made the Wall of Shame for this one!

4) The Lions had the distinction of winning for the first time in 2 years in football last week. Then they go to Chicago and get their dogs kicked. To top it off, Johnny Knox returns a kick off for a touchdown. That’s not the amazing part, a ball boy sprinting down the field with 2 balls in his hands outruns the entire Lions team. Granted he didn’t have blockers in front of him, but he also isn’t making hundreds of thousands of dollars for this one game. Terrible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPE110QQ9gU&feature=player_embedded

5) The Pistons managed to make the playoffs in the Spring. No one seemed to notice or care as they were a road bump for a much better team, whoever they played in the first round. They also made headlines for trading away their best player for an older dude that is pretty much an old thug that can’t play anymore. Good thinking! Let’s top it off by ruining our chances for getting a decent draft pick by making the playoffs. At least the Lions had the right mentality when they ran the board last year and ended the season with a perfect 0-16 record.

6) The icing on the cake is the fact that when our professional sports are getting blown out by out of state teams, the in state collegiate teams beat each other up. First Central Michigan pulls a horse shoe out of their butt to win in the last seconds against Michigan State. Then a Top 25 University of Michigan stumbles into East Lansing and loses to Michigan State. Since University of Michigan beat Western Michigan earlier in the season, Central Michigan (!?) claims the prize for best college football team?

The good news is that the Red Wings started again and Michigan State Men’s Basketball is returning a lot of guys. UNC thankfully graduated their top 18 players to the NBA, so we shouldn’t have them as a problem this year!

Go Green and Let’s Go Red Wings!

Kids Say the Darndest Things

There is something to be admired by the way kids talk and think. They have no reservations for calling it like they see it. Why not, they haven’t been brain washed yet to know what political correctness is and have no manners what-so-ever. This topic came up for me when my 3½ year old made some very keen observations and comments. So I started thinking, what if adults were the same way?

What would our work conversations sound like? I know what a conversation would sound like at my work:

Me: Can you correct this drawing, it looks like it was drawn by a 3 month old monkey?

Him: You can bite me for that comment first off. Second off, I’ll say I’m going to do it but I won’t do anything about it until about 3 months from now.

Me: That’s fine, I’m just going to e-mail you with a conversation summary summarizing what we just talked about and your comments. That way you can be the super fart face when the boss asks why this is late.

Him: Oh yeah, you’re the super fart face! [Hits me]

Me: Dummy! [Kicking him in the shin]

Physical and verbal fighting would ensue until someone either won or someone tapped out. Either way, things would be settled the way they should be and the world would be right again.

Here’s another example of what a conversation would sound like at the grocery store:

Stupid Lady: Why do you have to use so many stupid Qpons and take FOREVER to check out!

Wife: Listen stupid lady, first there’s no “Q” in coupons. Second I’m saving money, something you should think about doing although you most likely don’t have the mental capacity to handle “doubling coupons” and “rebates.”

Stupid Lady: Listen, there’s only 2 lanes open right now, why don’t you plan on doing your shopping at a time when there’s more people to check you out?!

Wife: I do my shopping when I can, why didn’t you come when there’s more people to check out shoppers. Oh yeah! Maybe because that would mean there’s a ton of people here and no one likes to go somewhere when it’s busy unless they have to. Where did you get your High School Equivalency? Man, you’re such a super fart face!

Then ideally stupid lady would go off and feel shame for being so obviously stupid, but instead she would just argue and in the mean time she could have just gotten into the other lane and have checked out 15 minutes ago. Seriously, have you talked to people recently? They’re the worst!

I guess this blog is my outlet for speaking like a child. I get to comment on things the way I see them, although it was supposed to just be about sports. Either way, I think people would be a lot less stressed if we just said what we were thinking. Last real life for someone calling it like they saw it:

Mr. O: Blah blah blah, and of course we won’t do that even though if you actually read it, it plainly states we will.

The Man: YOU LIE!”

Nutrition Tool

Training with my wife for a half marathon introduced me to the world of runners. They are a fruity bunch were the men wear women’s length shorts proudly. Thankfully, I have more respect for my fellow man and stick to soccer type shorts.

Another odd aspect of this world is the nutrition. There are GU gels, recovery drinks and anti nipple chaffing creams. Alright, so I made up the last one although SpongeBob band-aids work great. The GU gels have been known to leave stool samples looking more like oil slicks. I’m not making this up, talk to runners and they’ll tell you the same thing if they have used these things.

The recovery drink I got a sample of when we picked up our “raceday” packet was FORZE. This “Nutrition Tool” is “Designed to activate the body’s natural appetite control signal” to help reduce hunger. I guess it’s actually to lose weight but since it was free I had to at least try it.

Man, whoever made this liquid crap is the real tool. Maybe I’m the tool for believing it might taste like something a human might want to consume. It came in two flavors, Vanilla and Chocolate. I thought the Chocolate was the worst thing I had ever tasted until I tried the Vanilla variety. Why would anyone buy this stuff unless it was their first time or they were on crack?

To give you an explanation of the way this stuff tastes and looks I’ll go into more detail.

First off, it comes in what looks like a milk carton. It’s does not require refrigeration which should be the first warning sign.

Second, the smell is like soy milk. I’m sorry if you like soy milk, if you do you’re dumb.

Third, it has a milky type of fluidity. As it runs over your taste buds it makes you want to gag. The claim is correct that it helps with appetite control in the fact that you never want to eat again after trying this soup made by the devil himself.

I think I can help the marketing departments of all this nutrition junk, they should just let everyone know that the taste is required, the processing may be irregular but the benefits are minimal! Then they would finally go out of business and we could say goodbye to these fruitcakes and go back to our diets of bacon only!

Ah, the wonder of highlights

After taking a summer off of commentating on sports, I found it appropriate to make another comment on baseball.

Since it’s the only game being played during the summer, it’s terrible and I didn’t have SportsCenter (except at the gym) I didn’t have anything to comment on really.

All summer long I kept seeing the same stupid ass highlights of baseball though. Guys making diving catches (with gloves!), guys hitting the baseball and pitchers striking guys out I decided that Baseball is the worst. Have you seen it lately?

The best highlights of this stupid sport were when a cat got on to the field, the mascots pushed each other over during the 7th inning stretch or morons on the bench were wearing their hats inside out as “rally caps.” I’m not even making these up.

I have other posts explaining my opinions on why this sport is full of super fart heads, but with these so called highlights making the “Top 10 Plays” of the day just confirms my opinion of this sport as fact.

To top it all off, these guys make millions of dollars and they aren’t even in shape!? Are these athletes? Seriously, they are? Man, I would classify this “sport” as on the same playing field as cheer-leading.

Oh Snap, I just made a tackle!

With football season in full swing I think it’s time to address a troubling trend. The excessive celebrations of regular and mediocre plays.

I think it all started with the touchdown celebrations, followed by the advent of SportCenter where athletes wanted to be on the evening news for their outstanding plays where only the best can make the 30 second recap of the game. Another major contributor is steroids. If you think football players are not on steroids, you’re just dumb, which explains why you’re reading my posts.

Now players they have to go nuts when they make a tackle run an extra 30 yards after being pushed out of bounds on a kick off play because they brought it out past the 50. These morons feel that if they do some dance, flex, hit themselves on the helmet hard or make the first down sign after gaining 8 yards they are then classified as awesome.

Note to these players, you are not more awesome for doing stupid acts like this you are classified as retarded. The best players in history didn’t do much of a celebration because they had been there before and knew they were going to do it again, see Barry Sanders TD celebrations or Brett Hull after scoring a goal.

I’m all for players getting excited, but to make a spectacle of something they get paid to do is just off the deep end. Pretty soon the whole offense is going to perform a choreographed sequence, Riverdance style, in the end zone. The guy who scores the touchdown will get to be the “lead” guy.

Just go back to huddle or throw the ball the ref and go back to your respective sideline. Your 1.2 seconds of fame is over and when analysts talk about the greatest players to play the game, your name is only going to be mentioned in the category of “Kanye West Wanna Be’s.” (See recent deutsch bag move by this ass-dart!)

Government Efficiency

So our family got to visit the epitome of government efficiency this past weekend: the DMV.

Before going to the wonderful DMV, we drove by a new location of Chipolte, a great burrito place, that was new to our area. We have been craving it a ton since leaving Colorado. At least after being frustrated by the morons at the DMV, we’ll at least be able to eat here after our long wait we told ourselves.

Before leaving I checked the web site on what documentation we would need to get our new state residence license. It said in the first sentence of “Proof of Residence” that the definition of this is a government issued, non-expired ID with your full name printed on it. Check, Colorado license covers that. Primary identification is also covered by the CO license, bonus! Secondary identification is the marriage license, great, wife and I both only need to take our CO license and marriage license.

We get to this wonderful establishment after confirming location of said Chipolte and proceed to the “Information lady.” She informs us that we need a passport, birth certificate or something else. At this point of the conversation I blocked out what she was saying because I had too much steam coming out my ears. I wish I would have told her that I don’t even need this kind of identification to be President of the United States! Instead I went with the “I needed more of a background check to get my government ID (as I showed her it) than she did to get this government issued ID.” To which she just started saying “I don’t have to take this from you!” The security guy tried to get me to leave at this point.

Having been taken too many times and having driven 25 minutes to this crap hole with 2 kids under the age of 4, we asked to speak to the manager as I still thought we had the proper identification just to get a new stupid license. The manager did a good job explaining to us that buried in the verbiage of “Proof of Residence” was the fact that to get a new state ID, we couldn’t just use CO driver’s license.
So we left and my blood pressure was still quite elevated. As we drove back towards Chipolte, I talk about what I should have said. The fact that I want to get “DMVSX” on my new license plate and how it’s funny that the one government building that needs security is the DMV, because it’s not uncommon for people to get so jacked up there. I wish I could invent a time machine to go back in time and tell people a much better line than what I did tell them. Then again, rather than doing that altogether, I suppose I could have just gone back in time and taken the correct identification. But I digress…

So pulling up to Chipolte we see the words come into focus on the windows, “GRAND OPENING, JULY 31st!!” The main problem here was that the date this took place was July 24th! If I were by myself in the car at this point I think I would have driven the car straight through the doors. So our Friday afternoon, in which I took the day off “sick”, was a huge waste. The kids were hungry, the wife was hungry and I did not want to hear the words “calm down.”

I learned my lesson and we went back the next day with kids running around screaming and got our paper licenses, although for the pictures we weren’t allowed to smile? Is that what this country has come to? I don’t care if I have to pay $1000/month in health care to keep it privatized, if the government runs my health care I think we can all expect it to be similar to the DMV, crappy.

Red Wings United

This is a quote from a Detroit Free Press article, and I think it shows a lot about the Red Wings style of play. Having played soccer for quite awhile and hockey as well, but not as well, I can see a lot of soccer in the way the Wings play.

And when they aren't on the ice, they have heated soccer battles.

"The rivalry between Sweden and Finland is still going on, with two-touch," Zetterberg said. "And every time, Sweden beats Finland. Basically, the Finns want to become Swedes -- that's what the rivalry is all about."

Most reporters say they play a “puck possession” style of play, that’s just natural soccer that you see. The only difference being the offside is determined by a line rather than the second to last defender or when the ball is played or the ball. To put it simply, the Wings take advantage of the strategy of soccer and the offside rule of hockey.

Watch when the Wings get possession of the puck in their own end, they have lanes and positions that they are at and everyone knows right where each other will be and should be. They don’t even have to look to pass and often pass as soon as they get it, holding on to the puck only when necessary and when they have space or time or also to create space or time for teammates.

Everyone on the team moves very well without the puck, finding space or going to passing lanes for teammates. Another sure tale sign of soccer influence. You can see triangles form for passing, influence of soccer.

The last thing is that everyone plays defense. The first person to play defense is the guy that loses the puck. Just like soccer, it’s easier to run/skate 3 steps/strides rather than going all the way back to your own defensive end.

The main thing that differentiates the Wings hockey play from soccer is the pure hitting and finishing of checks. That’s got the origins of hockey all over it, so until they start slide tackling, I’m not worried about them quitting they’re day jobs.

Cops and cell phones

There are states that are thinking of and some cities have already banned the use of cell phones. You can use hands free devices, but don’t dare put that cell phone up to your ear! Well, if you’re a policeman, this rule doesn’t apply to you.

Have you ever noticed that when you see cops on the road, they are always talking on their phones! First off, don’t they have cool CB radios? Who are they talking to all the time? I’m pretty sure they call each other and just make fun of the general public playing pranks on us. Stuff like lighting up the lights and sounding the sirens after you drive by, then just whip right past you.

Who is paying the bills for their usage?! If I ever find out it’s the general public I’m going to be pissed, although not that surprised. Talk about budget cuts! I think they could single handedly get Social Security back to where it needs to be!

Whatever happened to citizen’s arrest anyway? Can we pull them over for all the bone head things they do or call them on their own crap? Of course not, instead whenever a state policeman is driving on the highway, people all of a sudden slam on the brakes and drive 5 mph below the speed limit?! I for one am usually one of the few that feels free to pass them when they are driving slower than the posted speed limit.

It doesn’t make sense, which is why it’s happening right now. People in general just don’t make sense. Have you talked to them recently? People are the worst!

A few comments on a dynasty

First, in this day in age, I think this Red Wings team can be called a dynasty. First off, because of the salary cap and free agency it's hard to keep any group of talent together for any length of time. Second, this is the third conference finals in a row. Winning it all last year and well on their way again this year, another fact I've heard is that they have been to the conference finals 8 times in the last 14 years. Lastly, the Stanely Cup playoffs is the hardest post-season to go through in all of sports, no arguments, period.

Last time the Blackhawks played the Wings in the Conference finals, the Wings still had a very young Lidstrom, Draper and Maltby. Chelios was playing for the Hawks and was considering retirement shortly after that year too I think. Anyway, the Wings have plenty of great players come up through their ranks and make huge contributions. Take Ericsson for instance, he was the final draft pick in the 9th round, 291st!!! Since football is always talked about, you can almost compare the Wings drafting to that of the New England Patriots. The Pats always seem to find gems and system players as well, but nothing compares to the Wings system.

Most of the credit goes to the Wings system, the front office of Nill and Holland is second to none. The European scouting is by far the best and I have no idea why other teams don't try and offer the Wings top guys more money since their money doesn't count towards the salary cap. Anyway, the Wings don't rush their young talent into playing in the NHL. First, for most of their European players they play them in the AHL to get used to the longer seasons and the different sized rinks. It always seems to work and Holland has a knack for patience.

When the Wings do need to get free agents, they don't do it like they used to anymore. They go out and get players that will fit with the team, like Stuart. Most teams would just try and get a big name rather than the right player. Kind of like what the Avs always seem to do and why they're in the toilet right now. Then other free agents like Hossa come along and want to take a huge pay cut just to play with the Wings for one year. Everything I've been reading is that he'll take another pay cut to remain a Wing, that much remains to be seen though.

In the end, I'm just loving watching these Wings kick so much butt and take names. The Canadiens and Leafs may have more or the same amount of Cups to their names but the last time either of them won anything was in 92-93. Neither of those teams are going to be winning it anytime soon either. The Wings are here and they're here to stay for a long time granted their system stays in place.

Go Wings Go!!

Crosby or Datsyuk?

Datsyuk or Crosby?
As I sit and watch the Philadelphia Flyers playing against the Pittsburgh Penguins, I have to listen to all this dribble about how great Sidney Crosby is. I am not going to say that he is a bad player, he is good, but I think Pavel Datsyuk is better.

First off, Datsyuk’s offense may be a little bit below Crosby’s, but not by much. Let’s say I was scoring them out of 100, Crosby would be at 95, Datsyuk would be a 93. But the defense doesn’t even compare. The most notable thing you can say here is that Datsyuk was finally recognized as being the top defense forward in the league last year and given the Selke Trophy.

Second off, he plays on every penalty kill. He’s rarely in the box himself yet he led the league in take-aways, in a hook-calling-happy league too. If there were a 5 on 3, Datsyuk would be called upon, either in a defensive or offensive capacity. If you want your best player on the ice at all times, shouldn’t that be for defense too? Datsyuk +1.
With a franchise center/player, you also want leadership. Crosby talks a lot and is quite vocal on the ice. Honestly, I think he does a bad job of it because you should lead with your play, not your voice. Watching the greatest hockey leader ever for his entire career, Steve Yzerman that is, I got to witness what it takes to be a leader. During Yzerman’s career, he was a 95 on offense too. Guess who has the highest point total in a single season behind Gretzky and Lemieux, that’s right Yzerman! He was told by Scotty Bowman, great coach in history, that is he wanted to be truly great, he needed to become a more complete player and play better defense. Well he did, and let the Wings to 3 Stanley Cups. His leadership was through what he did on the ice, when he did have to say something, it was needed and it was definitely heard. That’s the way Datsyuk leads, quiet and confidently on both sides of the ice. Datsyuk +1.

Some people may think that Crosby is better along the boards too, he’s more physical some may say. Watch a Red Wings game closely and witness how physical Datsyuk is. I used to think he would never be any good in the playoffs because he didn’t posses the physical prowess that’s required during the playoffs. He has proved me wrong. He can give hits, but rarely receives a big one because he knows where he is, his teammates and opponents too. He’s like a Barry Sanders if he does get hit, he seems to just slide off of them. When he goes to the boards to get the puck, 90% of the time he will come out with it or just make a play from right there, making the other team look stupid in the process. Crosby is physical, but he seems to be stupid about it. Trying with brute force rather than outthinking the opponent. Datsyuk +1.

One thing that Crosby does have an advantage in is his age. Crosby is 10 years younger, which may account for some of his youthfulness I’ve described. Crosby +1.
In the end, as of right now, I would take Datsyuk for a first center to build my team around rather than Crosby. With 2 championship rings and a 3 to 1 scoring, Datsyuk wins!

(As a side note, this was a topic in a Detroit Free Press article today, here’s a snippet of the article: “His relentlessness with and without the puck has helped pull the Wings ahead, 2-0, in the first-round, best-of-seven series against the Blue Jackets, which shifts to Columbus for Tuesday's Game 3. Datsyuk's eight hits rank second on the team to nine from Darren Helm, the young fourth-line center.
Datsyuk has picked up where he left off in last year's playoffs, when he had 56 hits in the 22-game Stanley Cup run, second among Wings to defenseman Brad Stuart's 59. After 76 hits over 81 regular-season games, Datsyuk is averaging four a game.”

Guys behind the guys...

While I was watching the NCAA Championship last night, it was hard not to notice all the morons on their cell phones trying to get into the camera frame. This was taking place while the cameras were on the commentators during the pre-game and halftime show. This is not the first time I have seen this, if you watch the College Gameday show, it’s pretty much a phenomenon.

I like the funny signs in the background the most I think, some of them are just ripping on friends and quite creative. The dumb ones are trying to incorporate CBS or ESPN into an acronym so their sign will get on camera. Most of these numbskulls can’t even get these letters at the beginning of each word, like “College Basketball RuleS in North Carolina!” or some stupid crap like that.

The great people in the background to watch are the face/body painters. You know these guys are into team spirit. Especially when they guys are half naked during a football game in late November wearing nothing but jean shorts and a thick layer of body paint. Does that stuff insulate? The people I want to punch are the ones talking on their cell phones to their buddies at home and positioning themselves just right to look stupid and right when they have it, the camera cuts away from them.

This also leads to people at hockey games that are on the same side of the arena as the cameras. They are sitting in the lower bowl and when the camera pans across the ice to follow the play, some silly bastard has to stand up with his back to the camera and wave. Too bad someone doesn’t de-pants them when they stand up, then it would be funny to see.

Everyone lives for their 1.8 seconds of fame now, it used to be 15 minutes until we went into a recession. I really can’t say I blame of lot of these people, I admire their spirit, tenacity and obvious lack of better things to do. I would be right there with them if I could. :)

Go Green!

Go White!

Enough said.

Technology gone astray...

So the iPhones and iTouch are a great thing, apparently. I have no iDea if these are cool or not, honestly I just got a cell phone at the end of last summer. Getting back to these things that people go crazy over, they have "apps" you can download to the phone and use. Most of them look pretty cool from the commercials. I also have a co-worker that says they are awesome. Although, in case you want to fix a wobbly shelf, there is a leveling app, most likely called the iLevel.

The most useless thing I have ever seen in my life was a Braille drivers' manual. I think people are generally getting dumber as we evolve, not the other way around. Well, I thought that was the dumbest thing I would ever see. Until I caught a glimpse of this $200 leveler.

Friend: Hey, I’m going to level this picture, it looks a little off.
Me: Thanks man, I assume you need a level then?
Friend: No, I have my iPhone and my new app I got just for this sort of thing!
Me: Do you have an app to identify morons?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are very useful and great apps available for this, but why would anyone in their right mind need their phone to level something? Oh man, that shelf is 0.3 degrees off! Who cares? Call me old school, but it seems like technology is taking a lot out of society today as far as knowing how to do things by hand or manually. Technology is a wonderful thing, but doesn’t it seem like it sometimes gets carried away?

iE this example here:















Watch Idiocicy, just the first 60 seconds and you’ll see what I’m mainly talking about here.

Parent = Rocket Scientist

Every parent loves to get their kids toys and likes watching them play with them. Be it a simple ball to throw around to a letter learning – talking caterpillar. What every parent always forgets when they get these toys for them is that “some assembly” turns into nightmarish hours spent trying to get these stupid things together while the kids are wining that they want to play with it.

As kids, we don’t understand that not everything is ready right out of the box. I think that’s why Easy Mac was invented, why does it take so long to make something, I wanted it 5 minutes ago. It seems like our society of wanting everything right away is spilling over into childhood. Remember getting Lego sets and knowing that it would take some time to put it all together? Or waiting for the water to boil for mac and cheese? Or watching the grass grow and paint dry?

The days of patience are behind us, everything is now now now! Which brings me to the topic of this post. In order to stop your kid from wining, which in large part is parenthood in general, you need to be quick at putting complicated plastic things together. I remember a toy from Chik-fil-A that was more complicated than origami. It was supposed to be a bee, ooo – I spelled those correctly Mom!, and the stupid thing took 35 minutes to put together! It comes in a kids meal but requires the understanding of aeroelastic flutter and schlierin photography, both topics which I learned about today actually.

Another thing we have run into with going through both kids birthdays recently are the toys that are put together come in packages that require the knowledge of breaking into safety boxes. Who designs these things? I’m guessing it’s someone that doesn’t have kids and just like to torment the general population.

Mad Scientist with crazy white hair and lab coat thinks while designing packaging for a ruler: “I’m going to put these twist tie things at 3 different points along the ruler to keep it in place, then put it in the plastic that requires an angle grinder to get through! Haha, those imbeciles will never penetrate my fortress of security!!”

Parent’s thoughts that buys said ruler for child: “Why the @#$! did I buy this piece of *&^%? Whoever designed this packaging needs a severe beating.”

Too bad it’s not socially acceptable to give beatings to people that really need them. The world would be a better place if it was.

Reese's Eggs

This is the best time of year, the time of year that Reese's Eggs come out! Somehow, some way, the people that bring us the delicious Reese's Peanut Butter Cups decided to make them even better. Yes, that's right, the eggs are as close to the perfect candy is as possible. Here are some of the reasons:

1. The peanut butter to chocolate ratio has been perfected. The Cups actually have too much chocolate and/or too little peanut butter. The eggs are perfectly balanced.

2. You don't have to deal with the stupid cardboard under the wrapper and then unwrap the cupcake wrapper thing that the Cups are supposedly "baked" in. You can get right to the good stuff right under the wrapper.

3. I guess I really just had 2 reasons.

The Eggs are so much better though, just go try one after you eat a "Cup." The fact that I am disposed to high blood sugar would not stop me from eating an entire bag or whatever of these delicious, delectable eggs.

Let me try and paint a picture in your head on how good these taste. Close your eyes and...wait, STOP! I need you to keep reading this. Alright, cover your eyes like you would for hide and seek when you were a kid, peaking the whole time. Now think about the first time you jumped on a trampoline. The feeling of flying and the goofy feeling in your stomach. For those that have not jumped on a trampoline, go do it. Then eat a Reese's Egg. The first time you jump on a trampoline, all you can do is laugh and keep on doing it. You don't want to stop and really have no reason to, just like eating all the Eggs you want to.

I'll leave this post with the two questions I've been puzzling over for the past couple of years. Why don't they make the Reese's Egg year around? Also, are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

How to argue with a 3 year old...

There is no right or wrong way to try and argue with a 3 year old. I can speak from experience that logic has not quite formed at this age yet. Come to think of it, after 28 years my logic is still lacking according to my wife. Anyway, to argue with a 3 year old is like trying to look at a cover of a Yanni album without laughing, it just cannot be done.

It’s comparable to playing a game made up on the playground when you were in grade school. A game would be made and as the game went on, more and more rules got added on to make things more favorable for the rule makers. Kind of sounds like the government right now doesn’t it? Ever seen Big Daddy with Adam Sandler, similar to the game the boy makes up called, “I Win.”

Getting back to the advice with how to argue with your 3 year old, or someone else’s for that matter. The fact is that you can’t argue with them, just tell them what to do. I think that’s most of the problem with society, people try giving them a voice in arguments when they don’t know any better and just need to be told what to do.

One of my favorite South Park episodes was when all the parents of the kids were putting them on Ritalin to treat them for A.D.D. Someone brought in a revolutionary new treatment for A.D.D. without the use of medication. The video proceeded to show a demonstration of the techniques where 3 kids were all over the place sitting at their desks. The teacher went up to the first kid and smacked him yelling, “Sit down and study!” The kid stopped and paid attention. He did the same to the second kid. By the time he got to the third kid, the kid had settled down without needing any “treatment.” What a concept!

So the final thought on arguing with a 3 year old is just to tell them what to do, if they get upset or cry, who cares. They need discipline if they are doing something wrong. Just like my lovely wife points out everything I do wrong, which is just about everything. ;) Love ya honey!

Too Politically Correct

Looking through articles on a web site today during lunch, I came across one entitled “Gross Couple Habits to Avoid, Starting Now.” The article went on to describe 4 things that should not be done in front of your wife/husband, but I think the things not to do were pretty much aimed at the men. The article was written by “The Nest Editors,” obviously all women who don’t know what it’s like to be a man.

To be a man now days, you can’t burp, fart, drop a deuce with the door open or pop your zits in front of your wife. These are the four things stated by TNE (The Nest Editors) that should not be done unless you want to lose your wife. I’m going to explore these things in more depth, so if you want to bail out of this article now like Obama bailing out the nation, you’ll keep reading because your bailing out effort will fail miserably.

To not burp and be a man at the same time is impossible. There is something in the male chromosome that makes our conscience not recognize this act. It’s like breathing. The true test comes when a man is in a coma, he still burps. This is a scientific fact that this happens and also leads me into the next topic.

Farting, also a bodily function that happens when men are in a coma. How are we supposed to suppress a bodily function that happens when we’re not even awake? Like when we fart in our sleep, it just happens. Plus, they’re just funny, we’re just trying to provide this great world we live in with more humor.

Speaking of humor, dropping a deuce with the door open is just plain funny. Fact, this act made Grumpy of the Seven Dwarves laugh when Dumpy did it. Another attempt at humor, plus if you have kids, there is no privacy anyway, so throw that one out the window when your kids start crawling. After that, it’s just habit to do it and feels weird to have the door shut.

The popping of the zits I can see as not doing in front of the wife. I have to admit though that sometimes I ask my lovely wife to pop mine. Sometimes they are in really random places that I can’t reach to pop, i.e. my back, and they just need to be let go. This is where I bring in my better half to help me out; of course I make sure she wears a full face shield for this process.

So all of this brings me to my main point; political correctness. Are times that bad that in front of our one true love, we have to walk on egg shells like this? Some of you may think that it’s politeness issue, but you’re dead wrong. The one person in your life that you should not have to be polite to all the time is your wife. I say this because if you are polite all the time, and in turn they are polite all the time, is it really a marriage? Marriage is a working relationship and if you’re not willing to work, let the other know what you’re thinking and get in arguments once in awhile – then go marry a robot. It wouldn’t be fun and there would be no humor.

That’s what political correctness is, boring and humorless. Humans are by nature fun and full of laughter and joy.

I got worms...

So when I was growing up, we watched a lot of movies. The good movies we watched several times just so we could pick up all the good lines in them. For example, I saw Dumb & Dumber in the movie theater 6 times. You may be saying, who sees a movie 6 times in the theater?! Well, here's the two part answer. First, that just shows I have great taste in movies because it's a classic and secondly where I grew up there wasn't a whole lot else to do.

Anyway, back to the point I'm trying to get across here. Conversations between myself and my friends usually consists of at least 1 movie quote, in context, for every 6 sentences spoken. Wait, let me specify here, conversations between myself and my MALE friends usually consists of at least 1 movie quote, in context, for every 6 sentences spoken. When girls try and follow these conversations, they get lost very quickly.

What is it about guys that we just understand each other when we quote movie lines? Girls require explanations for what the movie was, the situation it was said in and who said it. This is a total buzzkill, it kills the conversation and all fluidity is gone.

So to the female readers (or guys that cannot follow conversations with movie quotes in them), don't ask questions about where that line was from if a conversation is going on that you may be dropping in on or a part of. Just smile and make it look/sound like you are following the conversation. Kind of like how we (males) smile and nod our heads like we're paying attention to you when you're telling a story about you and your friends and all the feelings involved.

So there's my two cents. Wolf out!!

Finally!

I got to witness a great thing today while driving around and doing errands. The one thing all of us want to see before we die! Yes, of course this site was someone being stupid on their crotch-rocket motorcycle and licking the pavement.

Most of the people on these motorcycles are just plain stupid and think their crap don't stink. They fly around in traffic extremely recklessly and irresponsible. So finally I got to watch a show boating moron eat it. I laughed for quite awhile when I saw it, but pulled up next to him to ask if he was okay.

His response was just what I thought it was going to be. "Yeah, Yeah. I'm fine man." Although everyone could tell he was clearly shaken and just didn't want to admit it because again, he's a moron.

I think anyone that owns one of these motorcycles should have to take some kind of mandatory class where they are brain washed into driving these high powered machines like they should be.

Anyway, seeing this guy eat asphalt then get up with his pants and jacket all scraped up and his bike a little beat up was fun. I get to cross off one more thing on my list of "Things I want to see before I die." Hopefully next on the list is seeing a football player not celebrate when they make some hoe hum play. I doubt that will ever happen.

I fart in your general direction!!

So what is it about farts that are so funny? It's a completely normal body function but it makes me laugh. Call me immature, but flatulence is just good old fun. My wife would not agree with me on this topic as she has to live the deadly odor that somehow comes out of my body.

Her: What stinks, did you fart!
Me: No. (Said with a smirk)
Her: Yes you did, it smells like a turd wrapped in burnt hair!
Me: Man, that's a harsh analogy.
(Then I catch a whiff as they never seem to reach the nostrils of those who deal it until after others are already gagging)
Me: Wow, it smells like rotten eggs mixed with poo.

We seem to have these kind of conversations at least on a daily basis. Anyway, what made me think to write this blog is because of a visit to the men's bathroom at location X.

Now for women's sake, I need to give a little background information, men hang with me. So a men's bathroom usually has a urinal right next to a toilet stall. Now, when men pee, we fart too. I'm sure there's some kind of scientific reason this happens, like because we're male, but I don't know for sure what it is. Also, on average, men fart about 26 times as much as our female counter parts.

Okay, back to the experience. So I was sitting on the throne, minding my own business in the stall right next to the urinal. Someone comes into bathroom and I can see the shoes and recognize them. As said patron proceeded to do his business the farts came. Now, when you hear them, it's just funny. A string of air biscuits came flying out wildly. Women might be able to compare this to attending a Yoga class where the attendants get a little too relaxed. It's just funny to hear other people tear ass and not have to smell it. If you do live with it, passing gas is no laughing matter. (If you do, please visit http://www.dontpassgas.org/downloads/DPG_Brochure.pdf)

Now, I offer up the chance for some good comments from readers. I wanted to get a list of other terms used for flatulence. I offer these up to get the brain going and see what other ones you come up with.
-Let one fly
-Crop dusting
-Back Draft
-Barking Spiders
.....

Singing Along...

I don't know about you guys, but I love to listen to music. All kinds, doesn't matter what it is, there's great stuff out there for all kinds of tastes. Rap doesn't count, they just steal their beats from real artists and semi-rhyme. Rap crap is just dumb.

So anyway, back to what I wanted to get to. People like music, but these same people don't understand why people would pay in excess of $80 for a concert ticket to see their favorite bands perform the songs they love. Why pay that much when I can stay at home and listen to the songs I love on my stereo and not have to pay a ton to be elbow to elbow with crazy fans lighting up as soon as the lights go dim when they come on stage?

I'll tell you why. When you get to sing along with your favorite songs while the singers sing, it's the greatest feeling ever. While you're screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs, which is why concerts are so loud - so people can't actually hear each other because that would just be awful, you get goose bumps thinking about all the memories you have tied to that song and now you're singing it along with the band that wrote it.

Some bands are great when you listen to them on the CD (or mp3 for now a days), but they are just terrible performers or sounds atrocious live. These bands are crap, stop listening to them. The ones that can put out a good album but are great live, these are the bands that hang around and are successful.

Now I don't know where the tradition started with the lighters and now cell phones coming out during the good songs, but this is just stupid. I haven't been to a concert to awhile, see previous blogs about having kids, so I don't know if this is still being done. If this does happen when you go to a show, punch anyone that does this in the neck that may be in your immediate vicinity. Hopefully this will get rid of this problem and make this country great again!

Eeeehhhhh, Iiii'mm, I'm still alive! Keep on rockin in the free world! Insert your favorite lyrics here!

You did what!?

Now, for those of you that know me, the title of this blog says it all. For those of you that do not know me, I am quite lazy when it comes to my personal appearance in the work place.

Now, since I have moved out to Virginia, I have had all of my work shirts on hangers, where they should be. On the way out here, the work shirts had a first class ride in the back seat and trunk of the car being towed out here. As took them out of the car and put them up in the closet, I noticed some were a little "pressed" in places they shouldn't be. Normally, I just wear them as is and don't really care. Since this is my first week of work, I chose a different route.

Normal train of thought when seeing a shirt that may be slightly wrinkled (slightly = looks like a 103 year old woman's face). "Hmmm, maybe I should put that in the dryer with a wet dish cloth? Or, maybe I should spray it with that anti-wrinkle stuff Megan got for me. Hmmm, Megan....maybe she could iron it for me! Eh, forget it, it's too early. Wait, I think that's my sock!"

So by morning time, it's too late to try and do anything about it. Plus, working in the engineering world, no one really cares.

So that brings us to today's activity. I ironed a shirt for tomorrow. I'll say it again for those of you that don't think they read it correctly. I ironed a shirt for tomorrow. Yes, I ironed a shirt and it is not planned to be worn until more than 12 hours later!

Here was my inner dialouge during this process, "I need a shirt for tomorrow and I think I should iron my nice green one. This will impress them, man I'm glad I have a job now. Hey, this ironing isn't too hard, good thing I just have to iron the part where the buttons button. I wonder if I should set the iron to something a little lower? Does the heat setting need to be set for something like cotton? What is this shirt made out of? Wait a minute, wasn't this shirt green? Why is it brown now?"

So now I'm all ready for work tomorrow in my fresh pressed brown shirt! I win!

Fortunately/Unfortunately

- Fortunately I was offered a job (job offer 1) in Raleigh, NC. They just said they had to dot the I's and cross the T's.
- Unfortunately, the job offer was taken out from under our feet.
- Fortunately I had another job offer (job offer 2).
- Unfortunately, 24 hours before receiving the news that job offer 1 was taken back from me, I had called to decline job offer 2.
- Fortunately, they were willing to put the job offer back on the table which I quickly took and appreciated.
- Unfortunately, the job 2 is in Virginia and we now have 1.5 weeks to pack and get the house ready for showing, with kids is next to impossible.
- Fortunately, my wife and I are very efficient.
- Unfortunately, it's hard to be efficient when the family passes around a stomach virus.
- Fortunately, my wife's parents came out to help with the cleaning/packing and moving.
- Unfortunately, the stomach virus got passed to them.
- Fortunately, I went on Craigslist to ask for some help and got some and met a great guy that helped a ton.
- Unfortunately, I thought about this idea too late and it was the final day, I should have asked/paid for help much earlier in the process.
- Fortunately, before Megan left for the airport to go back to Iowa, we got everything packed in the moving truck.
- Unfortunately, this included my wallet.
- Fortunately, the I happened to have my Passport with me and got a replacement at the DMV.
- Unfortunately, I had to go to the DMV. That wasted another day.
- Fortunately, I got driving in my 26' truck hauling my car behind me on a trailer. I did not drive in reverse for 600 miles.
- Unfortunately, the trailer wheel fell off in St. Louis and I had to waste more time waiting for a new trailer.
- Fortunately, the trailer came and I made it to Virginia without any more of a hitch.
- Unfortunately, when I made it to Virginia, I had to drive in reverse to park the trailer.
- Fortunately, I didn't have to drive in reverse for more than 20 feet. The rest I just used muscle to move it.
- Unfortunately, the trailer weighed somewhere in the neighborhood of 3000 pounds. (It was a lot, if this isn't the exact weight).
- Fortunately, I got to drive the car the rest of the night.
- Unfortunately, I had to drive the 26 foot truck to the storage unit. On the way I went on to a side street and saw a boy playing basketball. As I looked at him I realized he was shooting hoops on a board across the street. The hoop is at 10 feet, the truck I was driving required a 12'-1" clearance. Needless to say the hoop was knocked over and the boy just looked at me with a confused look as I drove away.
- Fortunately, I found my wallet while unpacking. I parked the truck and if I never drive it again it will be too soon.

Work started Monday and I'm finally off and running!

The End

Energy Crisis - Solved

For those of you with kids, you will understand this blog. Engineers and science people need to figure out how to harness the energy of 2-4 year old kids. That or make a harness for me for my 2.5 year old. Seriously, they require little fuel and the power output is measured in megawatts, for those of you that don't know - it's a lot of energy.

For those of you without kids, let me try and explain the energy of a toddler, 2-4 years old. Try drinking a Red Bull energy drink, followed by a 2-liter of Mountain Dew and eat 12 sugar frosted Snickers. That would be your appetizer in order to gain the amount of energy these kids have. No wonder parents are always tired and always glad to pawn off their kiddos on un-suspecting babysitters/suckers.

If we could harness this energy, there would be no dependence on foreign oil, there would only be a shortage of corn syrup and chocolate frosted sugar bombs. I'm pretty sure my 2.5 year old daughter could finish a pint sized Ironman race 3 times over in one day. Granted the swim would have to be 18 yards long with the assistance of arm floaties, the bike would be a 976 foot long course set up for big wheels and the run would be completing a run up the down escalator.

Now that we have the technology to capture this energy, you would think parents would spend more time trying to lower energy costs rather than exerting all of their own trying energy to get their kids to calm down and chill out.

In the end, if this cannot be accomplished, scientists should at least figure out how to convert human (mostly male) fart gas into some sort of usable energy. After that, then they can work on the kid thing.